I did it to myself. I'm not actually here for sympathy. I don't really care what you say to me. I'm just so upset with my self and have never felt this way before.

I'm 34 and I admitted to my wife of 2 years, been together for 5 years that 6 months ago I cheated on her one afternoon.

We were in bed together, she immediately flopped to her side. She looked down into the corner of the room like she was dead inside.

She said "I don't really want to be here with you right now" she mercifully let me stay when I asked. It was a sleepless night - for thr both of us.

See, we had this beautifully deep trust beforehand. Open access to each other's accounts/devices with no animosity. Because it was so open I didn't have to check if I needed her email for our daughters 2FA for roblox when she forgot the password, and much more. I never had to check it, outside of an initial first curiosity when we first agreed to this long ago.

I hate myself and it's a struggle. I'm fighting but every day sucks. I know it's nothing compared to how my wife feels. We are staying together but I have to earn her love back which I am 100% committed to.

I've been able to call her babe, wifey, etc. And see her naked once. And I love her so much. But for the first time in my life I don't know if I'll be able to ever lift this stone or guilt out of my gut. We had a beautiful trust and I broke it and I hate myself for that.

I love going through life with her and I don't even know why I did that and it fucking scares me. I'm so hung up on why I don't know why I did that.

I will carry this stone of guilt until the day I die, and I accept that. I just hope I will get to feel true happiness at some point with her, the day I did before I cheated.

The one thing that I am thankful though, is that I have her in my life, as my life partner.

I can't believe I hurt my wife like this. I never though I would do something like this. I don't know who I am and I feel fucked up right now. I know she also feels fucked up about this and I just feel so sorry for her and hate that I did this to her. On second thought, I don't think I deserve true happiness like before.

If you read this babe, I want to fix what I should have never broke and I want to make up for it the rest of our lives.