So the title may sound misleading to some, but I noticed how while I didn't seem aware of my trauma at first, while talking to this friend who was always trying to be supportive. Well long story short when she said "what ever you want" in a supportive way when I expressed my interest... it set me off and got me a little unsure.

It seems I always respond poorly to supportive language and attention towards me as I am used to people telling me how amazing I am or how much they care, but then I get treated like crap, invalidated, and dehumized to nothing more than my skills, or worse they start to lose themselves and become codependent on me for my ideas.

I will admit I am scared of anything that makes people seem codependent or show signs of prioritizing somthing I said at the expense of themselves or their own free thought....

Now this may not make sense to some, but it us kinda scary to me, as I don't know what healthy affection or positivity is, as usually it's always accompanied with negativity, self destruction (of the person who says the "positivity"), or the attempted destruction or control of me.

I know I tell my friend how I feel, and how I need to remember to stop reacting poorly to when she shows me affection, and honestly I am trying to figure out ways to possibly overcome this.

I also wont deny I have become rather cynical as usually most people seem impersonal and feel like they either want to use me or be used, which has me uncomfortable, and I think is directly related to this.

I see this as a potential roadblock to my main goal as of current which is to find a healthy and mutually respectful relationship (possible that my search for this may also be a huge part of the cause... no doubt about it)

....

But any advice on how to navigate or work on this, as I dislike knowing there is a traumatic affect on me, and natural tendencies will have me non stop looking for a solution.

And also if I question any advice given it is not to invalidate the attempt but to understand the advice, but also give more context of potential problems or obstacles to said advice.