I cant help being angry and jealous in life. Even though I am 40 I have a mental disability that also means I have poor control of my emotions and impulses. This has led to me burning a lot of bridges in my life .

I know its childish but I have a lot of anger and jealousy and bitterness. I dont even believe in god but it makes me angry when people talk about a god loving us or having a plan because I feel fairly certain if god does exist he doesnt give a crap about me and never did a thing to help me, so it baffles me why some peop,e think he deserves worship when the world he created is terrible.

Im also slightly incel-ish. Except I dont hate women, I just cant find a woman. I tend to only like muscular women or be attracted to them. Other people often mention just lower standards etc and I try but I cant get over it. I always end up resenting the women I try to give a chance arent what I want. Theres no desire physically and I just feel going through the motions. Its not good for them or me to just be with someone because of lonliness. I also felt resentment that other guys do end up with women I desire and I end up hating and resenting those guys too.

I want to just make peace and not be so angry and bitter. I just cant help it. I feel my life has been wasted not having a single woman I actually was interested in like me back, and I know from trying that lowering my standards was no help and in many ways made things worse.

I want to be a good person but a part of me just feels angry all the time. I start online fights and become mean because its the only time I feel like I can feel less in pain, anger over pain. I feel bad later but never enough to stop .

I know this is a cycle, I know my flaws, I just dont know how to stop. Ive tried therapy many times in 40 years, I try exercise, I try everything I can. And it never seems to help. Its killing me. I want to be better but the angry bitter part of me seems to know no peace. Knowing I will never find one person I wanted who wanted me back really bothers me.

I guess Im trying to talk here because Im desperate for some kind of solution. Positive thinking I try but never lasts. Reality seems to destroy that in some way shape or form.

I want to be better. I just dont know how or if I can reverse it. Im 40, it feels so late in life.