I'm 29m and have been an introvert and was known to be "weird" but intelligent. I didn't have a lot of "real friends" while growing up because I'm sure some of the groups of people I use to hang out with talked shit about me (could be all in my head but I doubt it). I was always quiet in school and only been in a few relationships that did not last long at all. Even though I was always considered "smart or intelligent" I struggled in school because i had a hard time paying attention and lack of motivation. But I did good in classes that I enjoyed like art and tech classes I took in high school. I'm actually a very good artist I use to do a lot of black and white realism pencil drawings. But as I've got older my interest In drawing faded away.

From the beginning of high-school (maybe sooner) I've experienced fatigue and laziness. It dosnt matter how much sleep I get because I will always feel tired and lazy throughout the day. It became so severe that I can't even keep a job.. But that could be because I have an entrepreneurial mind set and hate working for people (been working for myself for about 4 years now). This laziness and fatigue has put me in bad situations like homelessness.

I've never had my mental health evaluated o guess because my parents just didn't believe me when I talk to them about stuff. I never seen a doctor as an adult because I've never had insurance and didn't want to pay for the treatment. I've been able to buy Adderall and Vyvanse from people it 100% helps me function and feel normal, boost my mood and get stuff done... It helped me make a lot of money last year.. but for a few months it's been unavailable for me.

I don't no how to show emotion to people I love or atleast I'm not good at it. A few years ago, my mother passed away due to a car accident and I didn't even go see her in the hospital before she died (I've live on the other side of the country for 6 years). My grandpa is getting old and he wants me to call him, but I have called him in over a year even tho I think about him almost daily. I think I'm just too nervous and embarrassed to talk to him.. I don't even remember the last time telling any of my immediate family that I love them (even tho I do love them).

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman that was my bestfriend for years before we started dating, but I think I'm ruining the relationship? She says I don't show any love towards her. We've been together about 6 years and been through a lot together. But our relationship is declining. We barely even have sex anymore and it makes me sexually frustrated. I do believe she is bipolar and we but heads often on small things that escalate to hateful stuff being said (mostly from her...) I think our relationship is declining due to my mental health because I'm definitely not "normal".

As I've gotten older, I've noticed that I'm losing the ability to control my anger.. when i was younger, I've never been the guy to lose my temper because someone was talking shit to me or trying to provoke me. But now, I wouldn't think twice about fighting someone who disrespected me. ( I hope this doesn't seem like I'm abusive to my girlfriend because I'm definitely not 😂).

I'm having a hard time describing myself and just writing what comes to mind....

From an early age I've had suicidal thoughts. I've never really loved myself. I even think about suicide weekly because I think I'm ruining everthing.. sometimes I have homicidal thoughts but I would never actually committe homicide.. not sure why I think about it?

I've been trying to write this for about 30 minutes because I can't stay concentrated.

There's some things about me that I havnt mentioned because I it's a little personal...

If you have any advice or any idea of what wrong with me, please say something. You can't hurt my feelings.