Hey, i am Matt, i lead a pretty fuct of life consisting of lies, cheating, stealing. Being a shitty person to anyone who would come close really. Im an advocate for taking advantage of people being decent, treating me with respect and love, then shitting on them for even more self gratification. (Yeah i know what your thinking) thats pretty fuct up man, i know eh! Gets even worse tho!!! Fuckin worse! I am 38 now going into my 39th year. a year i plan on getting my fucking shit together. And start feeling/being a MAN. What does that mean you say... to be a man? Well i feel we can all interperate that differently. But before get into that let me explain a bit more. I grew up with a pretty solid child hood. Youngest of 4 2 boys 2 girls. Played sports when i was an adolescent. Had some friends. Not alot but some in public school. Not to say i was different but i was the first and only fat kid in my age group in school. So you know what that comes with, being bullied then bullying typical shit i would say. Through grades 7 through grade 10 1lish (didnt finish high school) my father wasn't around much. Not that i am holding that against him! (Hes now dead) but worked his fucking ass off for his family. (Showing me how to pack all my feelings away and bury myself in work) But that left me to be raised by my bros and sisters and an Alcoholic Mother who only knew how to show 2 types of love. conditional love and love for the bottle. What does this have to do with the title of my blog? Well i am just curious if there is anyone else like me out here. Who learned how to love shittaly. And want to over come it to create a healthy relationship. How not to seek peoples approval through self gratification, lies, cheating, stealing. To ask the questions, what fuct me up, where did i go wrong. How did i only get to know this type of love/respect. How did i not discover this was wrong earlier in life? I have a fuck load of questions to ask and want to know who can relate. So please follow along as i do the impossible, working through feelings, emotions traumas. To improve for myself and others. We werent born this way!! We were taught!