I try so hard to do well in school. So so hard. I used to be the gifted student. I was going places. But I started getting worse, and worse, and worse. It started when I was 12, after some traumatic shit. I’ve had 14 sucide attempts in my life. I can’t even kll myself right. I went to treatment for a year. I healed, and came out a new person. It was a lot of work, and I did really good. I’m better now?

But something I can’t change is my brain. I will never be smarter. I’m 17, and a junior in high school. I’ve known what I was going to do in life since elementary school. I would be a pediatric nurse practitioner in intensive care. Everything I did academically would lead me there. I was dedicated to it.

But now, as I’m getting closer to graduating, I’m realizing I’m never going to be able to do this. My academic advisor said unless I do an entire YEARS worth of algebra 2 in the next 3 weeks I will never be college ready. I don’t have enough credits to graduate distinguished, because my fuck-ass treatment place didn’t do credit transfers right. I’ve been doing online credit makeup, and it’s destroying me. I’ve been pulling all nighters studying. Along with going to a public school for the first time, and having no study periods.

I also have learning disability called dysgraphia, which makes math really hard for me. I had a geometry class online, and I needed to complete it to graduate. It was a year class; and I had 3 months to complete it. The class itself is $250, and I needed tutoring because I was failing. That’s another $650. My parents really wanted me to succeed with this. I studied day and night. Crying and crying. I had 10 hours of tutoring a week.

I finally took the test. I failed. It was horrible. My academic advisor said I could do the re-take. She said if I didn’t pass the retake, I may get held back. I get no support with this school. My friend said that the week before I started they put up a bunch of suicide awareness posters that were never there 😭.

I payed $50 for the retake. This past 2 weeks I’ve slept less than 6 hours every night. I have to wake up at 5:45, because i take the bus and so I have to walk to the bus pick up (my parents don’t wake up in the morning). I’m doing horrible. The only thing I’ve got is that I’m 8-months self harm free on February 18th. I don’t know if I can make it.

Yesterday, I took the test. I had been studying so hard. I’ve taken the both practice testers SIX TIMES just to confirm I know the material. The test was online, and 4 1/2 hours long. I also have ADHD, so it was especially hard. I thought I did good.

This morning I woke up, checked my email, and I failed. I got a 69. I needed a 70 to pass. I broke into tears. I can’t fucking win. I’m the stupidest person I know. Nobody will admit it. I can’t do the retake. The only option I have is to retake the class. This time, because the school won’t help pay, it will be $500. I have 2 months. Also, I have a 504 but it dosent work with the credit program.

So yeah, I’m done. I was ignorant for thinking I could do something like that. Nobody knows how bad it is for me right now. Because I “tried my hardest”. Who gives a fuck. I’m a peice of shit. Might as well give up.