The rats were exhausted with the back and forth. Not knowing weather to sit back and relax or gnaw at my brain. Your drinking got worse and you got a dui. I helped you and begged you to be good. You said you loved me and needed me and couldn't imagine not having me. So you stayed with me and finally I came home to you. You moved into our new place and things were very good. You weren't really drinking, yet we were having fun. But your owns rats hated you and said to be done. I helped you go to rehab and I was supportive throughout it. But in my own opinion that place was bullshit. Having access to the phone you've already become addicted to, I'm sure you were talking to others still. During this time I did make mistakes, I never cheated or lied, but I did have my guilty pleasure. You said it was ok and you'd give it a shot, you assured me you could live with it and I assured you I would not do it if you didn't like it. You restored my faith in you by lieing to me again. Saying you needed this time away. No drinking no drugs, slowing down with your phone, you were ready to change yourself and once again I fell in love. I believed you. You got out and we were amazing, you proved to me you changed. But we went out to the bar and you had to much to drink. You were hitting on that guy, you got mad when the bartender stopped your drinks. We rode home with you angry and throwing things. I helped you upstairs and you were furious with me. You hit me and said you hated me for not letting you sleep with another guy. What is going on. A few weeks went by, I forgave you and we went on with life. But my rats were clawing and so we agreed to fulfill my guilty please but we did not succeed. I kept my promise of pushing that away, because you were more important, but I guess you didn't feel the same. Another lie from you about still wanted me. You said you were done and I didn't know what to do. We cohabitated together but then you became evil. Throwing it in my face that you were seeing other people. Drinking and smoking and fucking whoever. I broke and for the first time i cheated on you. I hated it and regret it and I felt so disgusting. How do you do it? That's when things get ugly between you and I. Why do I love you? Why do I care about you despite what you've done. Here we are now, again living apart. The rats they hate me because I think of the past. I think of what you are doing, who you are doing, what you are talking about. How do you do it. Why do you do it. How can you say you love me but then see other people. Why do you love me but insiste on leaving me. It makes absolutely no sense. You are hurting yourself and hurting others. You've admitted you are going to regret this, you've admitted you already do. So why do you do this. I know you have your own rats beating your brain, I just wish you would have realized what happened. I hate my rats, but I love my rats. One moment they patch up my brain and say it's ok. But then they tear it all away, fighting and scratching and hacking my mainframe. Telling me I'm worthless, telling me I'll never find someone as smart and attractive and caring as you can be sometimes. The next minute they remind me of all the pain you've induced. But still I love you and want you the most. I hate you, but I love you just like the rats. Now I know I've done wrong, I've lied and done bad. But I've proven myself over and over that I'm a good guy. And I love you and care for you and only want you to thrive. I'm not blaming what happened all on you. I'm at fault for alot of things, but I never gave up on you and I always continued to try. Because despite all the bad I knew we could be great. The rats are back and telling me things, like how they think you never fucking loved me and just played this hole thing. They convince me you just used me but you love me on and off. But still I love you and can't give over you. I'm lost.