Around 4 days ago I almost ODed on DXM, a drug that when abused gives a psychedelic experience. Around 5-12 hours after the trip I randomly fell into a ball crying after coming to the realization that I’ve been using my friend and family my entire life, thinking I was destined to be some kind of king. I was living in my own delusion my entire life, assuming my destiny was to be successful and ignoring the needs of the people I loved, unable to see that I was really a narcissistic junkie addicted to pills. I can’t even begin to explain the feelings of guilt and sadness that come from realizing you’ve been living in delusion your entire life, and how you must have been making the people around you feel.

The problem is that I am having a hard time coping with this fact. Ever since that realization I’ve gotten to enjoy hitting myself when I’m bored or I have another mental episode (I’ve been having those ever since I broke down) and it’s gotten to the point I made my nose bleed. I’m worried that if I keep falling down this rabbit hole I may hurt myself even worse. This is fucked up.