when people ask me if i’m suicidal, i don’t necessarily say that i am. i mean, if you consider me not really fearing death at all as suicidal then sure, maybe i am. but just because i don’t fear death doesn’t mean i hate life.

i love life, i think it’s the universe’s ultimate gift, but i don’t like life when it’s simply to be a money machine. i love art, music, all of these things. but none of these make money (character designers like me get zero wage and jobs in this competitive industry). i want to study and learn, but i don’t want to do that for the sake of getting a job, i want to learn because i’m curious about life and seek knowledge. but this does not make money.

the other thing is, i’m incredibly unmotivated to do anything in life when it is for money or on someone else’s schedule. i want to do things for myself, i want to experience life for myself, not to make fucking money just so i can exist without dying of starvation.

but this is a sin under our society. and i get it fully, you can’t just expect people to pay tax dollars to keep you alive if you’re not gonna contribute to society. that’s completely understandable, it’s a selfish idea.

but unfortunately its all that my brain wants. doing things on my own terms is the only way im motivated to do them and even then its iffy because im constantly riddled with this subconscious voice telling me that if i don’t do things now at all times, im worthless and won’t become anything to anybody.

i don’t actively go out trying to die, but if someone tried to mug me and happened to have a gun to my head, i don’t think id have it in me to try and escape that person’s grasp. I’d just… let it happen. it would be a merciful release from all of this.

i don’t hate life, i just hate capitalism and having to do things just for fucking money and under someone else’s direction and schedule, it completely ruins the experience and makes me completely disinterested in it.