I’m not totally sure if this is the right place to put this but I am gonna leave it here if it is

So l had a mental breakdown in the middle of last month and tried to unalive myself but also triggered one of the friends that is/was a big positive part of my life and who I was romantically interested in and felt she might’ve been emotionally manipulated by me at the time and she ended up blocking me on most of my accounts. I eventually got a hold of her and explained what happened and that I genuinely was struggling mentally and she believed that but still felt it unhealthy for me and her to keep communicating as she was aware that everytime she didn’t respond that I would get triggered (I developed an emotional dependency on her responses I later found out through working on myself some since then) and it was triggering her as well and she told me to seek help and wished me the best. Obviously seeing as this person was a giant motivator in my life for me to keep going and have hope that things would get better, I was lost and broken (and in a way I still am), and I spent a week crying my eyes out as I felt like I pushed away one of the most important people in my life besides myself and I hate myself for what I did even now and wish I could turn back time and never do what I did, but I saw hope when she came back a week after her last message and apologized and explained why she was triggered that day and why she initially responded like that that day and I could relate as that trigger she explained was something that caused the start of my mental breakdown because it had just happened to me as well. I told her that her feelings were valid and that she didn’t have to apologize because I understood the feeling firsthand and that I hope she’s okay. I, unfortunately thought that meant that I could start texting her again (this thought process was probably due to how me and my abusive ex were in my previous relationship) and tried to check up on her and make sure that she was okay, and at times let her know how I’m doing in the beginning or try to reach out to talk about things as I saw her struggling mentally and financially and me being the person that I am, I impulsively DMed her to reach out and let her know she’s not alone and that I’m here for her…..except it was multiple times over the course of like two weeks to no response from her. I now understand that that made me look obsessive but I never had any ill intentions and just wanted to make sure she was okay as I care a lot about her. I unintentionally triggered her anxiety because of this as I know where she lives, causing her to fear for her safety and I feel worse than ever before. I want to fix things but know that I can’t reach out to her rn , and I don’t think she’ll maybe ever wanna talk to me again after that and I just feel terrible for being how I am, and letting my traumas from both childhood and past relationships and my depression and anxiety build up and go unchecked for years, and destroying the friendship bond me and this person shared because I really do care about her from the bottom of my heart but don’t want her to leave as I really need her right now. I think that may be the emotional dependency talking but I just don’t want to see her go through anything and it hurts me to watch it happen from the sidelines and not be able to reach out in fear of me making it worse….i hate myself