Just venting

My SOCD is hardcore. Sleeping is rough again. I don't feel like I rest. I don't want to go to the mental hospital anymore. I'm tired of getting brain scans and blood draws. I had a stroke in 2020 and memory loss because of it. I lost my memory and this my job and a lot of myself. I've spent the years since 2020 trying to be me again. Well a capable person at least. I feel like fairly miserably.

If I didn't have my ex I do not know how it would have been for me. I'd have had no one to call the ambulance for me that day. See when my hemorrhage happened I was bleeding in my head. I lost full control of my body but I was in so much pain. I barfed in the ambulance 8 times in like 5 mins. If I had arrived like another 5 mins later I'd be brain dead. My own brain said fuck this and started filling with blood due to a burst. Shit happens right?

I lost so much to the stroke and it keeps going because of memory loss. I'm trying to get back to what I was before this. I have learned to just go with the me that exists now, even if she is different. My ex can't even tell me who I was. Basically no one does. I was funny and nice. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sometimes people say I was brutal when needed. Wtf does that even mean?! Lol people may not believe me.

It's confusing tbh. I'm confused. I don't have the drive to do much these days and I'm constantly feeling sick and incapable which adds to the depression.

The stroke wasn't a blessing in disguise lol. It is the worst that has happened to me. I have an advanced healthcare directive filled out with my wishes. I'm a DNR sort of person here. I don't want to go through this ever again.

This time of year just adds extra feelings I don't want or need. I had a second shot at life but I fucked up the first part so badly that I can't rectify myself. I can't even just go on being who I am sometimes.

I hate this because I've been to the mental hospital 3x this year. All longer than a 72 hour hold. About a week on average. I'm tired of it. 3 diff times and well now it may become 4. I'm trying to just be whole and normal enough to work again and just move away from here and maybe start a new life elsewhere. My ex left me. My other ex is bipolar and well she left me because she's in a manic episode that's lasting about 8 months now. Started dating and that sucks.

I don't get life enough to want to remain in it. I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep wanting this pain. I'm in pain due to my stroke. I'm in pain emotionally due to my depression. I'm in pain a lot. I'm just very tired. I'm very tired of trying so fucking much.

Honestly my only outlets are reading, gaming, and any artsy stuff I do. Yet due to the depression being so heavy this time of year I'm lacking motivation for that.

My therapists (I have one and then I am randomly trying out an online one) are aware and encouraging me to socialize when possible. I'm fine doing that. I can get friends but that deeper connection they expect me to have with friends is not there. I don't think it's ever going to be there.

Fml I'm just really breaking down again.