This is gonna be a long one and please excuse misspelling or anything like that. I have to say the last two years have probably been the worst years of my life. Good and even great moments, But genuinely feel like its been the worst. I'm kinda at a crossroads with myself. Not sure honestly. So, back in Sept of last year I met this girl at work. Started talking to each other and we formed a relationship. We moved in pretty early into the relationship. But I knew from the moment I saw her I wanted to marry that girl. And a little longer than that I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We've been together for a year and a few months. We've broken up a few times and recently she broke things off on Thanksgiving. Every time it happens, Hurts much more. It's hurt so much to the point of being numb. I know that's not a healthy relationship and everything. A lot of it stems from my insecurities and my mental health. I don't think too high of myself at all. She's this beautiful person from looks to personality. I know we were destined to be together because the way i feel. She gets me. The way no one could. And it's my fault most of my time that we've struggled. I always think she's checking out other guys. I'm a chubby guy and she has a good body and into fitness. She always says she loves me for me and my personality. I try to believe that, But I have a hard time sometimes. I also have crooked teeth. Also don't have my license. It's a mental thing. I feel like I don't bring anything to the table, But she always reassures me. We had quit are jobs to take a travel contract for work and came back and struggled. Been trying to get a job. Bills and rent and everything It's been stressful. I'm not a mean person, But I admit unfortunately I've verbally been mean to her. I truly don't mean to be. But it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just can't handle it sometimes. The holidays are here and spending it alone Thanksgiving and such.. I've had a lot of time to think and I'm so depressed. She's all I care about. She's all I think about. I know I need to be a better person for her and myself. Trying to pay for therapy is hard at the moment. I really do want help because I do want to marry her and just be happy. She's my soul mate. I've never felt this way before. I don't want to argue with her anymore and treat her like the queen she is. Also deal with anxiety not an excuse i know. I know she deserves better and I want that better to be with me and not be a memory and be a what if. I need to and want to change. I'm not doing good right now. Lowest point in my life. At least with her, I knew everything would eventually get better. She makes even the crappiest days better. Sorry for the rant. I don't really have friends, So I can't really talk to anyone. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, Because I'm at the end of my rope. She's my world and I'd do anything for her