Hi all, first time posting in this sub but I’m not sure where else to turn at the moment and was hoping that someone might have some words of wisdom or be able to point me in the right direction.

So I’ve not quite reached crisis point but I’m struggling right now. There is a lot to unpack so apologies but I’ll try to be concise.

So I frankly had a not so great childhood, my dad had an affair and my folks ended up staying together for the children and never seemed truly happy together.

Growing up I felt like I could do nothing right. My brother was super academic and I’m not, am much more practical and very good at problem solving but my own achievements would pale into comparison as my brother was always the one my parents and his teachers were bragging about. I was always one to find my own way in life and didn’t take anything at face value so I got into trouble at school by shirking authority etc. I was always told that I didn’t apply myself but in reality I was rarely given any reason to do so besides “do as you’re told”

This was compounded by my getting ill as a kid, I had a condition that was autoimmune in nature but presented as hives and spent much of my teen years in pain and had a lot of time off school being there less than half the time. After 6 months of being off one time I got back and was avoided band shunned by all the kids, apparently they’d been told I had aids by one of the teachers and it was heavily stigmatised at the time so all my former friends basically abandoned me, even the ones that knew it wasn’t true, but easier to play along when you’re at school.

I was also exposed to pornography at a very young age, not on purpose, more through the negligence of my father who didn’t hide his magazines or his search history. This in turn led to my hiding a porn addiction for years and almost destroying my life as a result. I kicked this addiction 5 years ago and try to offer wisdom to help others with it but still feel immense shame about it.

I’ve always struggled to be friends with other guys, not sure why I’ve just had more affinity for talking to women. I had some really close long term friendships from my first school (luckily I went to a different school to most of them when I got to high school so the rumour mill didn’t make it over there). Unfortunately with most of them being women, many of the friendships waited and ended after they married. I’m guessing their partners didn’t like their close friends being heterosexual males even if there was no sexual interest there. I did have two friends who I was clueless about who wanted more than friendship even though I was in a relationship and they tried to sabotage my relationships to get me to be with them so I also became a little untrusting of intentions.

Career wise I started off very driven in IT, rose up through ranks quickly mainly due to a drive to impress my folks (who are primarily driven by money and social status) who I was still seeking approval of until I realised it didn’t matter how senior and how much money I earned they’d never approve of me. I reached CTO role by my mid 30s but by that point the drive for career had gone from me completely. I’m very good at what I do but it all feels so meaningless now! I feel like I could happily leave the industry but as the only earner I’d lose so much of my income I can’t see how we could make it work dropping most of my income.

I spent most of my life burying my emotions and suppressing things and literally got myself to a point where the only time I could feel anything was when I was satisfying the porn addiction. I had a bit of a breakdown about 7 years ago where I could no longer suppress in the same way and that led to a worsening of my porn addiction until I hit rock bottom

A couple of years ago I came down with Covid and had a very traumatic experience in hospital. Faced my own mortality and came out with chronic fatigue ever since. It impacts my daily life and after some time waiting for someone else to do something about it I started up a social enterprise to try and help others with the condition and to raise awareness etc. it’s only small but it has far more meaning to me than my career has been.

In terms of my family life, things have been good. I have a fantastic wife, she is incredibly supportive. I have 3 kids all with neurodivergent issues of their own but I wouldn’t change them for the world.

After giving up the porn addiction which was really hard I kinda put my all into my relationship using that as my coping mechanism instead. Recently my wife and I have done a lot of work both personally and in our relationship to try and improve our communication and open ourselves to new experiences. As part of this I came to the realisation that I’m overly dependent on my wife for social connection. She is in reality all I have, no real friends left, just colleagues and acquaintances. If anything ever happened to her or she ever left me then I’d be alone. Ive also realised that i am constantly worried that she is going to leave me.

I have pretty much no relationship with my extended family anymore either as they are pretty toxic for me

I want to make new friends but don’t know how. Most of the activities that I used to be interested in I can no longer do due to chronic fatigue impacting my physical condition. I also realise that I don’t really know how to socialise anymore and have difficult around trusting people

Appreciate I need therapy but money is tight right now. Any thoughts what I can do self help wise?