Is it even possible to accomplish such a feat when you're at a certain age? I'm turning 40 in less than two months and I feel as though it isn't and that I'm damaged goods and completely beyond hope/help. I went to therapy for years, though that was in my early 30s. I took (and am still taking) medication and I started doing so- again- in my early 30s. But I am still the same overly combative, highly opinionated, insufferable, ornery bastard that I was prior to said therapy/meds. I don't think I should date ever again because doing so would be a major disservice to any woman that I end up with. All I did during my two longest relationships was shout-scream during every single fight my exes and I had. I know now that said behavior constituted a form of abuse, which is highly unacceptable. I know where said behavior stems from- my old man was (and still is) an abusive monster of the highest order. He fought my mom in front of my brother and I our entire childhood(s) and exhibited the exact same behavior. And he was both physically and verbally abusive to all three of us. I'm not excusing my own poor behavior, mind you. I'm just trying to explain why I am the way I am.

I deleted all of my dating apps again last night for the second time this year. I don't see the point to even trying to date ever again. I haven't matched with anyone worthwhile in years and I think that was a blessing in disguise. It feels like my life is over. I want to die, but I know that committing suicide would destroy my mom and my brother. However, living the way I am now is taking a toll on what's left of my sanity. I only talk to my mom, my friend Jim, and my cats... and my co-workers, though my co-workers probably think (and rightfully so) that I'm completely mad. I go to work, come home, play DC Universe Online, then rinse and repeat. I have no social life aside from the movies I see in theaters with my friends, or the concerts that I go to by myself. It doesn't feel like I'm living. It feels like I'm existing and I just don't see the point anymore if there's no way to fix myself so that I can actually co-exist with someone else and have someone to cherish life with.

Sorry for the rant/tirade. I have no clue who to turn to. F**...