There was a mistake and my psychiatrist cancelled my anti anxiety meds(they’ll restart soon) and let me tell you, not taking them cold turkey is not fun. I never realised before how much I needed them. Like I’m extremely tired and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanna go to sleep but even when I sleep more than enough I’m still tired. I never realised before how much being constantly anxious tired me out.

I missed some important stuff this week cuz of it. I’m a little mad at my psychiatrist but I’m also upset at myself cuz I can’t have enough energy to do things like everyone else. I know it’s not my fault and I can’t control it or whatever but that knowledge doesn’t change that I’m upset with myself. Honestly even while taking the meds I thought they weren’t working, because I thought that once I wasn’t as anxious anymore then I’d be able to make friends. But guess what? I still don’t have friends. So it’s obviously more than that.

The thing is though, I don’t even know if I want friends although it’d be much healthier for me. But I try talking to people and it just feels like too much effort. I don’t hate or dislike the person, I just kind of, in the most polite way possible, don’t care about them. That’s the problem though, I struggle to care for and listen to people I don’t know. And to make friends I need to listen and care about what they say in order to become close. At this point I’m just waiting for someone to decide that they’ll insert themselves into my life whether I like it or not, cuz I’m certainly not gonna do it myself. I don’t know if that’s messed up or not.