I’ve progressively gotten worse when it comes to my mental health. I always went through some awful abuse by an ex I knew off and on since we were in high school. He killed my poor dog, and I still feel immense guilt over it. People tell me it’s not my fault, but I just can’t forgive myself still. He’d say awful shit to me like, “I want to beat you so hard until you stop moving like what I did to your dog.” I’ve been coping in not the best ways. I’ve gone to a bunch of festivals and done party drugs telling myself I’m working through it. I’m in a severe mixed episode currently due to having a bad festival weekend with the couple I was seeing. The come down from everything this time around is hell. I was extremely suicidal and homicidal towards my and the other man who assaulted me in August. I had to have my dad lock his gun up so I wouldn’t use it. I’ve finally found a way to get affordable help, but I don’t want to wait. I also have a huge hatred towards psychiatric wards so that’s not an option. I’m also working while doing all of this. Is this my rock bottom? Please, tell me somehow it gets better because the highs and lows are too much.