Hello everyone, I hope everything's going well. I decided to post here, because I seriously don't know who I'm supposed to talk to.

A little background before I dive into the real topic of this post.

I'm a 17yo girl and last year I got myself into a situationship with a slightly older woman, who already was in a serious relationship. At first it was something very casual (flirty/teasing texts, nothing more), but in less than a couple of months we both developed feelings for each other. After 7 months, our situationship ended this January. Despite having obvious attachment/mommy issues, I tried my best to tell me that it was going to happen now and then, and that I was going to be fine.

Around May/June I started to feel better and thought that I was ready to be her friend again (we kept in touch even after our "break up").

Now I'll explain why I'm posting this.

Around 6pm today, totally randomly, I started feeling euphoric, but in a very very bad way. I feel high, even though I didn't smoke nor drink. I'm physically shaking and I can't breath properly. I've had panic attacks in the past, but this feels diffent.

When I think about her when I'm in this "state", I completely forgot all the pain she caused me and the only thing I can think about is a serious of disgusting scenarios.

TW I can't help but think how good it would feel if she hit me, beat me up and raped me.

I'm against any type/form of violence, but I feel so far gone that anything, even violence, would be appreciated if it came from her.

I wish I could keep her away from everybody, in that why she would be me and mine only.

I'm truly disgusted by own my feelings, but I can't push them out of my mind.

I know basically nothing about psychotic breaks (besides what I've learned in school), but I'm pretty sure I'm going through one or something similar.

I'm really sorry if anybody felt offended by what I wrote, but I really feel like I'm going crazy. Thank you for your attendance, I hope y'all have a good day.