I'm scared to get into more relationships or friendships, I have come to the realization that I am just bad for people and right now I am just trying to keep the people I have in my life rn. There are so many bad things that I do that I just can't seem to fix and I hate it.

It's so much easier to be single but I envy those who are in love and are capable of giving healthy love. - I can communicate but I overshare and over explain because I don't want to seem like I am lying when I am just trying to relate and explain. - I can comfort but it seems like I am trying to play therapist all the time instead of being a partner/friend - I can love but then I love too much or push my love to much that it does the opposite of attract it scares away people. - I'm too optimistic almost uncanny like. A smile never leaves my face and I try to make the best of every situation but then people think it's creepy and annoying and I don't blame em. - I'm really unstable mentally, which I want to fix but life keeps moving and I feel like I am running out of time because the older I get the uglier I may become and then people will never like me no matter how nice I am. - I know a lot about myself and I am very self aware to the point where I am willing to let myself go into self-isolation then letting myself get into a relationship/friendship that will probably never make it due to my personality and issue even if I hide my issues from the person.

I want to give healthy love but I don't know how. I want to have healthy crushes without obsessing over them. I want to ignore my SA and PTSD and experience a healthy sensual relationship with someone my age! I want to use healthy coping mechanisms instead of harmful ones. I want to experience other love instead of self love. I'm tired of being by myself in every situation, I'm always by myself in my head, soul, heart, everything. I'm tired of it. But I don't just want to love a person just because of my selfish need for love. I want to love a person how a normal person loves a person, yknow?

I say yes to everything but people still leave!!

I could sit here and nitpick all day but I read all of these hopeless stories, fantasize to get myself to sleep, invison my love within other people, and see all of these happy friendships and relationships and put myself In their place. I tell people that I don't develop crushes because I'm too ill for that. I started a new job and already feel like I love a person there since I am attracted to them but I know that I would only hurt them. I know what I need to do to change but what if I am not doing it correctly, what If people think I am overreacting or being overdramatic, what if people think i am lying, what if people think I am just faking my issues, what if people think i am manipulating them by having issues that may relate to them. What if people think that I am just hopeless. Idk what to do about the what ifs! I want to tell people who i get to close with that I may have BPD & have a tendency to self-sabatoge or isolate but then what if someone thinks I am being a wannabe "pick me" when i am just trying to offer them a warning that "hey i have issues and im trying to fix em and I would think you may like to know these issues just incase something goes to shit or something happens due to this and i deeply apologize and understand if you would not like to know me"

God i want love so bad i need it in my veins in my body or something. I'm tired of not having it but i don't want to hurt anyone I really don't want to hurt anyone friend or partner. I wish I can fill this need without needing another person.