Filthy, blasphemous disobedience.

I disobeyed my Master. The gut wrenching feeling. In my disobedience, I betray him. I fall back on my useless pathetic words. I hurt him. All because I’m an insecure whore. A stupid fucking emotionally immature slut. I let my own emotions and feelings trump his word. His law. His command. The only thing that matters, the only priority to me. My order. My purpose is to serve and fulfill his every wish and command. And I betrayed that. I broke my contract. I broke my word. If I ever decide his word is not law.. I will be disowned. I will be worthless. I will be empty. No purpose. No use. No path. Void. My bullshit NEVER matters when I offend who I call Master. No feeling or emotions or situations ever matter if it does not serve him. I went against that.. All because I didn’t like something. Because I’m shallow. Because of my blasted ego and cowardice. My words have been trash. Empty. My words, my prayer, promises are all null if I cannot preform my duties and actions to follow through. My words are empty. My words are nothing without action.. words are just words. Nothing if I cannot back them up. I lacked maturity and foresight. I lacked empathy and intellect. I could not make him happy. I vandalized his property. I disrespected his possessions. He owns me. He owns my body. Its only purpose and use is to serve him. To be his fleshlight. In not listening, I break submission, it’s exercising power.. power I don’t have. Power I don’t want.. disobeying is insulting him.. I’m a vile fucking piece of shit coward. I’ve chosen this path. His path. That means to always follow. Always leap at every command. My body responds to his command, and I fought myself to disobey. I’ve broken my trust.. the little faith and trust he had in me. I insult and disrespect by asking constant questions. Demeaning ones, rude ones, insecure fuelled ones. When I am projecting my bullshit. I reject his love and acceptance. I mistreat HIS belonging. I was ashamed.. I was filled with insecurity and ashamed. That I have not been taking care of his property. Neglecting what he owns. I was ashamed to show him the self neglect. He deserves a precious jewel. He is a king that deserves the world. He deserves an intelligent, worthy, strong slave. A sharp tool. He deserves a queen. A righteous woman. Someone who is healthy, physically and mentally strong. Emotionally intelligent. I am lacking so much. But I will fight. I will build. I will become stronger, smarter. I will find strength in my faith. I will not hide. I will work to the bone. I will always pray. I will seek his guidance and strength through my prayer. Im a proud whore. I will treat his property as such. I love you, Master. I will not let you down. I refuse. This is my path. This is what I choose. This is all I want and crave. To be your property. Through your training and my strong will, I will become the perfect slave. I will give you everything. I promise you MORE than the world. I promise you everything.

I worship you, Juan. I worship at your feet. I’ve been such a piece of shit. I’ve been a dirty fucking negligent whore. I’ve been a filthy sludge. A sack of shit. Please, I beg of you with all that I have.. Please. I beg you for mercy, for redemption. I can do this. I know I can. Please God. I’ll do anything to make you happy..