Don’t confuse complacency and refusal to change with authenticity…

Attraction is a skill. A lot of guys don’t want to accept this, and feel like if they take any specific action intended to be more attractive, they’re being fake, inauthentic, or too try hard. Some comments I’ve seen in online forums:

“Well fuck, I guess being myself isn’t going to work.”

“No thanks, would rather just be myself and be alone.”

There’s a broad range on interpretation for “just be yourself.” Some take it to mean that being yourself is to simply exist as you are in your current state. If you are currently unsuccessful in dating, then the harsh truth is that there are several elements to your persona that are simply unattractive to most women.

If you dress sloppily, are out shape, or don’t go out a regularly exercise social skills, changing those qualifies won’t alter your core beliefs, your personality—who you are fundamentally as a person. Actually, your beliefs and assumptions about yourself will change.

‘Being yourself’ and existing in non-optimal state are not one and the same.

Being the best version of yourself is not trying to change who you are inherently. If you are shy, awkward, etc. and work on yourself to be confident, charming, you aren’t pretending to be someone you’re not. It may take time to accept and evolve into a new version or yourself, but growth isn’t denial of your true nature.

If you feel that being awkward, out of shape, bad with women, or any other negative trait is inherent to who you are, and changing those things is “fake,”then you have severely self-limiting, static beliefs about yourself that need to be addressed.

I think refusal to change and misinterpretation/misuse of “be yourself” can be somewhat of a defense mechanism. It’s hard to accept that you’re at fault for your circumstances in life, so it’s easier to say women generally are shallow, society has unrealistic expectations, etc. Essentially:

“I don’t need their acceptance, I’m not going to change who I am for it.”

Truly ‘being yourself’ is incredibly attractive, and is the opposite of chasing acceptance.

Again, let’s establish the unattractive, incorrect interpretation of being yourself, which is:

Existing in a suboptimal state, with the expectation of acceptance/attraction from others, marked by a resistance to change.

Contrast that with what these examples of actually being yourself:

• Being honest about your interests, beliefs quirks, and personal history without apology or shame.

• Not altering your opinion(s) to win approval from others, or the women you date.

• Respectfully voicing disagreement with others respectfully when you don’t share their views.

• Embracing and expressing excitement your hobbies and lifestyle even if they aren’t considered cool

• Having an expectation of how you treat others and expect to be treated, and not hiding your expectations as to not offend others.

• Having comfort with your imperfections. This doesn’t mean you should be complacent; there’s a difference between complacency and having self-acceptance in who you are

TLDR: Staying in a sub-optimal unattractive state while expecting others to accept you isn’t ‘being yourself’. It’s complacency tinged with entitlement. Truly being yourself is holding true to your beliefs, interests, sense of humor, and personal history without apology, while continuing to improve consistently in areas where you have control.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/is-just-be-yourself-good-or-bad-advice