TLDR: Marriage of 15 years on the rocks, got dumped by our marriage counselor. We don’t fight, but she doesn’t love me anymore but also doesn’t just want to throw in the towel. Stuck in a pursuit withdraw loop (I pursue her, she withdraws) so I’m trying to focus on myself as best as I can manage. Am I on the right track?

Long version My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married 15. We’ve always been great partners, and felt we had an equal marriage. A little over a year ago my wife discovered something about her family that made her question her entire identity. She immediately got help from a therapist and I supported her as I could but it really shook her. Forward 6 months later and she’s still struggling and I don’t know what to do. She asks if she can talk to friends about including a guy having marriage issues she met through work. I fully support her as I don’t know how to help anymore. It’s messed up our sex life and I’ve kinda given up and withdraw. Fast forward another 4 months and two things happen in the same day. First, she comes to me and says her therapist suggests we get marriage counseling. I agree because I know things are bad, we’ve just become very distant from each other. Second, that night I stumble across a text on her phone (seriously, she left it unlocked on the kitchen table in the message app when it dinged next to me) and it’s from the male friend talking about me and sending “xoxo”. I immediately freak out and that night snoop and find more from him but nothing super solid. The most damning thing is an article about outsourcing your sex life in marriage. I went into this crazy panicked pursuit mode, watching her every move, stopping doing what I normally do, taking up activities (like running) which I never did, etc. This freaks her out big time, what was once her becoming distant is now her running away because she feels smothered.

So we start going to counseling based on the EFT model (emotionally focused therapy). It immediately makes it clear we’re in a loop. I’m worried she’s leaving and doesn’t love me so I pursue her, check in too often, hover, text too much. She feels trapped under my watch so tries to get away and becomes even less interested in me. Rinse and repeat. I start to see my own therapist just because I’m so freaked out about it all. I confront her about the guy, he is just a friend but she was interested at one point only he wasn’t. Basically, I wasn’t there and she wanted someone and he was, but they never did anything because he already had a side chick. I mostly believe her because he’s in a different city and in the end it doesn’t really matter. If she was going to leave me for him or any other guy, she would have done it already.

So fast forward to recently, we’ve been in therapy for a 4 months and while we see the pattern we just can’t break it. I’ve tried really hard to back off the pursuit, sleep in a different room when I feel needy so she doesn’t feel that energy or just avoid her some nights. She’s basically banned me from any physical affection. It feels like if I smile at her she feels it’s a pursuit. The real issue is my pursuit has now triggered very real anxiety for her. She’s had to go on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety. Just being around me can be difficult for her. We told the therapist we really need to get out of the loop. She asked my wife, “Do you still want to be in this relationship?” She said, “I don’t know but I feel like there’s got to be some things we haven’t tried.” Therapist, who is considered the best in our city for this EFT process basically said she usually can see at least some longing in the person and she just doesn’t see that in my wife. She doesn’t know how to help us.

I love my wife, I don’t want to lose her. I’m trying to face the reality that it might be out of my hands, but I still have a sliver of hope because she doesn’t want to give up yet. As she says, “I’m not attracted to you but I don’t feel like we’ve tried enough things yet.” I want to help her and I realize I’m my own worst enemy. I’m trying to figure out what makes me happy and find my own activities but it’s been very hard. I’m not a social person, before I met her I was basically happy existing on my own. That doesn’t work with two kids. Plus I’m most happy when I’m just hanging out with her, so even when I do go to another activity I tend to just wish it was with her. I don’t have a lot of friends but I’m trying to do more with them, problem is they’re all too busy with their kids and families. It feels like the only way to help her is to leave her sometimes. I just feel that if I did that, that would be it, she’d get better and attribute it to me being gone (which it kinda would be) so why in the world would she want me back then. My plan is to keep trying to find activities for myself, that make me happy, and get me out of the house. The process is just so painfully slow.

Am I doing enough? Am I on the right track at least?