I am at a complete loss, I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 26 years, we have 3 adult children together. In 2018 I had a serious surgery that left me bed ridden for 6 months. During this time, the pain was unbearable and I was prescribed oxycodone and Xanex. I had no idea what was happening as I was literally delusional from the pain. My wife managed my medications and I would take the Xanex only at night before bed. Apparently, you can have actual blackouts for, that combination. That is what happened to me, during a one year time, I had thrown a laptop against the wall, called her a fing b***h. things I never did before. The worst thing that happened was that my wife walked in our room and I had a revolver to my head. I have zero memory of any of this. We went to a church counselor and that is when she finally came out and said what had happened. As I had no memory of any of this, I was racking my brain to figure out what was happening. I know she is not a liar so something was very wrong. During this session, I started to google the medications as nothing else made sense. The counselor said she believed I had narcissistic personality disorder. I was shocked, it didn’t fit with my personality at all. I told them what I found about the meds and they didn’t seem to think it was valid. I decided to pay for two psychologists to give me a psych evaluation. Both said that I had cPTSD from childhood abuse but that I was most certainly not a narcissist. We have been separated for 2 years, she refuses to talk to me, at all… At this point, despite loving her, I know I can’t change things, I just want her to either start working towards reconciliation or for her to divorce me. I cannot continue to live indefinitely in this limbo state. She refuses to talk…I cannot just divorce her, I still love her and my family. I won’t fight her divorcing me, as I know I cannot make her stay married. I feel after 26 years and three wonderful children that she at least owes me the truth in person. Am I wrong? Is what I did just so horrible that it cannot be recovered?

TL;DR - married 26 years, 3 adult kids, separated for 2 years and she refuses to talk or make a decision on working towards reconciliation or filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do anymore.