Hi Reddit.

31 (M) married to 34(F). We have been together for about 8 years married for 6 of them. The start of the marriage was a rough patch. For context, wife grew up as a single child and everything was pretty much handled for her. Well, when we got married, she would not clean up after herself, dishes everywhere, and spent all the money to the point we got set back on our rent 4 months. We argued all the time to the point I wanted out. She suggested counseling and we went.

Counselor eventually began to do individual sessions to get to the bottom of things. O don’t know what went on with her sessions but during one of mine, counselor said I was justified to leave if I wanted to. That upset me and I decided along with her to work on it. And well, we did and she did improve significantly.

Things got better, so much so that she one day confessed to have cheated during our rough patch in the beginning of our marriage and also disclosed to have been rap*d. Now with kids and a house I found it hard to walk away and decided together to work on the marriage yet again.

Forward the years and now intimacy is only when I initiate it. It’s gotten so bad that I asked for a bj or a hj and she just grabbed it and half assed it. As a guy, men want to feel wanted too. And seeing her lack of effort just turned me off so much that I pretended to forget to lock my car to just end it there.

I talked to her about my needs and her not meeting me half way at least. She said her needs are really low, and if I wanted I could find someone to help me. This hurt me more because I want her and not someone else. So I went to counseling and was asked “when is enough, enough?” And I don’t know. Should I try finding someone to take care of my needs for the sake of the marriage? Is anyone else in the same boat? Did you go for it and did it fix things?

I will add that outside of the bedroom things have gotten a little better. I’m lost on what even to do now.

TL;dr lost on what to do.