This is long, apologies up front. Feel free to close this without any qualms.

My husband of many years and I have played around with non-monogamy, threesome, some solo stuff over a decade. It's been quite a ride. Some fuck ups, some jealousy, lots of fun, mistakes, long breaks. He fluctuates between "I want you to get a side piece" and "3somes only" and "I want to but can't handle it". He's encouraged and cajoled me many times, but generally, I've become "meh" about it due to the emotional strain on me with his internal conflict about it, and having so many lackluster encounters where the only pay-off for me is how excited it makes him.

We met some friends in the beginning, ended up staying friends but the sexual experience wasn't great (and bad for husband, long story) so we nixed any further together play.

The guy friend and I had a few more encounters. I did so because, well, my husband wanted me to. I like to please him. I was never really into him beyond the fun of what it did for my husband and I, and doing something nice for a friend, I guess.

Flash forward some years- husband and guy still exchange dirty messages, he shares my pictures with him. I didn't know this until afterwards, but figured whatever, it's an outlet for them both.

Guy and wife had kid. I said I no longer wanted anything ever to do sexually with this guy, I made it clear multiple times when he'd make comments about me "helping guy out" I knew she wasn't on board, I didn't want to hurt her. Husband says he told guy this. Guy's never been my type, and is certainly not a giver.

I should add here that though I don't drink often, but when I do, I don't make the best decisions, and tend to overdo it. A few times a year. I've been a stay at home mom for over 20 years, we never go out (he's an introvert, I just accepted that these 4 walls were my life now). I used to have lots of friends, go to festivals, none of which he approved of. I haven't been to one since we got together, and since he also didn't like the "bad influence" of my crowd, lost them, too.

I'll also fully admit this isn't my first fuck up. I won't elaborate or excuse them, but they've mostly stemmed from getting over excited to be around other adults, out of the house, and drinking too much. Nothing this grandiose a fuck up, though.

This friend had his birthday last week. Husband couldn't stay more than a few hours, but asked I not drink too much. I agreed. I was out for a total of 7ish hours? I had two restaurant weak drinks with dinner, 4 at the bar later, plus celebratory birthday shot.

I was chatting, having a fun time. Did shitty karaoke. Few younger dudes hanging around, way too young for me to be interested in ,however cute and charming. Some older blokes, too, but I wasn't trying to hook up. Just enjoying being out, dressed in something other than houseclothes, just being me.

Guy friend comes over, puts his arm around me, leads me back to "our" table (one table away for fucks sakes) and says "sharks are circling! I'm supposed to be protecting you". I've had 2 drinks at dinner, this is about 2 hrs later, I've had 2 more. He calls bday shot, we all have a round of his favorite whiskey.

Maybe a little more than 2 hours, idk. Anyways, have one more drink, I'm sipping (I know this, my bar tab was $35 including the $10 tip, and I didn't let anyone buy me a drink excluding bday shot). Asked a few of his friends who were talking about leaving if they were going my way, most said no but guy friend jumps in and says "I said I'd look out for you, you're my responsibility to get home safe" I mention Uber, he's adamant.

Bar fucking closes down. I ask to stop and grab some smokes, it isn't a long drive or anything. Stop, get smokes. Finally get to my place, he wants to come in as he's just started venting about his wife.

It's the guy's big x0th bday, he's all maudlin and bummed, doesn't want to go home to a sleeping wife and kid yet, so ok, we can chill a bit, though I'm fucking exhausted by now.

Anyways. I strip off my heels and hose, get comfy. Then he starts going on more and more about how things with wife and sex suck, specially since she's pregnant again (she was only banging him to get pregnant, they hadn't more than a handful of times in almost 3 years).

To reiterate, I've made it clear to husband I'm not interested in anything with this friend, ever again. He says he shared that to guy friend as well. I've been nothing but friendly to him.

Then moves on to how much he loved fucking me, blah blah blah. I kind of laugh it off, whatever. Played it down. Then he's kind of trying to rub my shoulders, feet, that sort of thing.

I guess I was drunker than I thought, though I had no hangover and remember my night clearly down to names of strangers I talked to. Because when he got a little more aggressive, I kind of froze up and just said "fine then, take what you want". I wasn't turned on or feeling sexy. He was rough, stopped, asked if I was sure because I was sort of fighting him. I said "I'll say some weird safeword shit I don't recall if I need to" and just kept saying take what you want, hoping that would speed it up. Over and done with in maybe 5 or 10 minutes? He apologies, I say it's fine or some shit. He leaves and I curl up and sleep. I woke up sore and alone and feeling that shame/humiliation mixture.

The more I think about it, the more it feels like friend anticipated that shit. I'm angry at myself for not fucking always, always being aware that they're all trying to fuck me.

I didn't want to fuck him. I got nothing from it, I'd made it clear many times before I was done with that for multiple reasons. I only ever did because husband wanted me to, and I felt bad for the guy and wanted to relieve some of the built up sexual pressure he was dealing with (not this time, in the past).

The shit(tier) part- Husband saw friend come in, through our outdoor cameras. He immediately said "Who's that? We didn't discuss anything."

Messaged him who it was, that we were just hanging out to talk about his relationship shit. Husband says "you're trashed, I don't believe you". I reiterate I didn't bring some rando home.

Later, he messages "you constantly get fucked up, fucked our friend without asking, you're ruining our marriage" and some other messed up personal shit that cut deep. I didn't see that part till the morning.

Next day, he didn't speak a word, until he just...left. "I'll be back in a few days, figure shit out if I'm not back by X". He left his wedding ring. Not in a "fuck you" place, but I didn't neglect to notice it. He's since obscured it with an object.

I left him alone, he didn't message me. I don't know where he went or what he did. I thought maybe space would help. Since then, I've been invisible to him. Avoids me at all costs, hasn't said a word. Pretty sure he left to decide if he will divorce me or not, and I'm pretty sure I know his decision.

The more I think about this, or dwell on it I guess, I'm finding myself conflicted. Anger at myself, obvious grief, I feel violated by my friend? I feel shame, embarrassed, gross, and so, so alone. I'm pretty isolated- no friends or family to speak of, and certainly no one to talk to this about. He won't talk to me, either- I asked to talk (it wasn't about us, something else important) he immediately deadpanned "no" before I explained what it was. Then, normal convo about that topic then back to invisibility. Even if we did have a conversation, it would boil down to him saying something like "you shouldn't have drank so much."

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I don't know what to do, maybe I just needed to get it all out? I've never felt so alone in my life. Even if I had "normal" friends, how could I talk to them about it? Husband is incredibly private, he doesn't want anyone to know about our extracurricular activities, even when they've been a fun and positive experience.

I'm fucking lost.

TL;DR

Husband rightfully pissed, think I'm at the beginning of a divorce that just hasn't been declared yet, but circumstances are...not typical and I'm feeling ways.