Hi all, I (m35) have been married to my wife (f30) for 9 years this April. we knew each other for a year before marriage. we have two great kids, aged 7 and 5.

I am seeking advice on how to handle what I feel is a real lack of attention to my physical needs. When the relationship started, we were very active physically. But now, she is constantly 'tired' (she can stay up til 2 am watching love is blind with her friends, but is out by 9 pm when its just us) or seems disinterested, although she is happy to receive a massage or express interest in the couple's adventure book/card stuff she recently found online. I ordered these items, which arrived at our home almost a week ago. She hasn't batted an eye at them, so I am in the process of working on a return.
I am the sole breadwinner for our family, have been since 2016. I give basically all of my salary to cover our rent, groceries, car insurance, and bills. This past week alone, I spent over 15k on an upcoming trip to see HER sister, get our family a newer car, and even pay for one child's birthday party. Not once has she made time to look me in the eye, stop listening to Taylor swift or staring at her phone, and genuinely thank me for shelling out. I love and sincerely care about my family, and it would be nice to get SOME credit.

Wife is a health coach and yoga teacher with just three classes each week. I paid for her health coaching cert (5k), which hasn't been used at all. I paid for her yoga cert (3k), which has been used a bit more. I built her website from scratch, I integrated her payment and booking systems - essentially, her yoga business would not exist without me. Wife barely mentioned it to others, including her mom, that I had done all of this work. In fact, it was one of her friends who made sure to mention my name in a group convo they were having (I wasn't present, but apparently wife didn't like that this friend chimed in). The income from this is currently negligible, but it is worth mentioning here as part of the wider relationship arc.

Wife can't really handle working part-time for others, although she has started applying again. She has tried before and always seems to find a way out of it. She once left a job because 'this person said something hurtful'. She has trouble coping with confrontation. So, I keep my head down and scrape by as much as I can with my two jobs and school stuff being worked on. It is a struggle to keep money in because she is obsessed with dining out, and if I take that way, I get looks/treated like I have murdered someone. She does cook at least one meal per day for us. But she isn't doing much else imho, especially when the kids are in school.

As much as I want to be blunt about what our family needs financially, I don't think she is capable of absorbing blunt but constructive criticism. I am always emotionally available for her (she tends to need a lot of emotional support because she isn't a very confident person, especially when 'that time of the month' hits).

I consistently help to ensure a clean home (dishes, laundry, toilets, etc), both for myself and our kids. My parents were both quite strict, so I grew up making sure everything was put in its place. She grew up in a home with no accountability and no real standards when it comes to cleanliness, so this is a constant battle. It has taken a long time and lots of compromise just for her to get up and keep the kitchen sink empty. I am very present for our kids, finding ways to play, check homework, make time for stories etc even when I am on the clock for work (I work remotely so that helps).

I feel that, given everything I have done to support her through almost 10 years of marriage, and given the type of dad I am with our kids, I deserve to be treated better, especially physically. I can count on one hand the number of times she has initiated in the last month. Wife is aware that acts of service and physical touch are my love languages. We have even had couples therapy for this, which helped for a month before everything went back to 'normal' (the current cycle being about once every 2 weeks). She seems to be oblivious to my needs, asking 'whats up with ya' when (I think) she knows what the problem is since I have brought it up so much. I am at a point where I don't feel like even mentioning it to her anymore because she will gaslight me with the same line about her being 'sorry that you feel this need'. Like, what kind of man, who loves his wife and wants to be with her, wouldn't feel this need for physical intimacy and connection?

when we have been intimate, I always make sure she is ok with what we do and I do try to put her first. She seems to enjoy herself. So, am I wrong in feeling like I do a ton to keep our marriage and family afloat, but get nothing back from my wife? I just feel really stuck atm.

Would appreciate your input. Thanks for reading if u arrived this far.

TL;DR basically I feel that I have carried our family on my back for nearly a decade. I do EVERYTHING here at home, and then some. Is it wrong of me to want consistent/more frequent cuddles/jiggy time from my wife of nearly 10 yrs?