Throwaway account. I (43m) and my wife (40f) have been married 14 years and together for 16. We have two kids together. Our marriage has been great overall and for a long time was just 'easy'. I used to tell friends who were struggling that if marriage was hard, then you're doing it wrong. That was just my experience for the first 10 years or so. I was naive because we really hadn't been tested.

Since that time, the sheer volume of responsibilities in all domains of our lives began to catch up with us. Stress from work, family commitments, etc. all built up and bled into the family dynamic. Before I knew it, my wife and I began to feel like we were fighting battles on all fronts - we were spread way too thin, constantly stressed, starved for good quality time together, and just generally burned out. Naturally our relationship suffered. The quality of our interactions was sour and we gave each other the worse versions of ourselves at the end of each long, hard day.

Over this time our sex life had always remained been pretty good though. Of course the frequency has never been as high as I'd like it, but the quality has been and remains really good. And I'm lucky that my wife is conventionally attractive and has remained that way thanks to good genes, diet, and exercise. I'm a lucky man. :)

Now for the kinky part. For as long as I can remember I have had a 'hotwife' fantasy, though at the time of course I didn't have a name for it. I had expressed this fantasy on and off with my wife over our relationship. It added a dimension of fun pillowtalk from time to time - we were both into the concept but she made it clear that she wasn't interested in pursuing it in reality. That was fine by me.

A bit over a year ago, she attended a college reunion out of town. I went too, but stayed behind at the AirBNB with the kids. She ran into an ex-boyfriend there. She told me later he looked really good and they had a great conversation. She also learned he was very recently divorced. A couple nights later during pillowtalk she mentioned her ex and asked if I would like her to pursue a hotwife dynamic with him. I was taken aback at first (would they fall 'in love', etc.), but I later agreed. We talked through it all at length, she talked through it with him, and everyone was on the same page.

Over the past 14 months, she has gone to visit him for overnights on about 12 occasions (he lives about two hours away). Generally, they go out for dinner and drinks and have sex multiple times before she drives back home the next day. I stay home with the kids. Early on, I used to ask for constant text updates and messages, but eventually this has mellowed into just letting them have their time together and reconnecting when she returned.

Initially, I had thought I would want to watch them together but quickly my desire for this was replaced by more of a compersion feeling. This surprised me. I enjoy the idea of my wife having great sex with a man she knows and trusts - it was more about being excited about the intimacy they shared and not necessarily the sex itself. It's hard to describe.

So now I don't pester her for details. I let her describe her experiences on her terms. She appreciates telling me about the different qualities and abilities he brings to lovemaking that I lack, and vice versa. She has characterized it as 'having her cake and eating it too.'

So, we continue to look forward to her getaways as an opportunity for her to escape 'reality' and tap back into the woman she was before life got so crazy. And she comes back to me refreshed and invigorated. I continue to be happy for her and support her continuing to see her ex-boyfriend as our schedule allows. Frankly, it's hot and adds to our sex life too. He has been respectful of boundaries and is of course ever-grateful for getting to bang my beautiful wife. So that's been all good.

However, lately I've found myself wanting the same dynamic with another woman. This too took me by surprise. In short, I think I'm becoming envious of my wife's fwb situation. I talked to her about it recently, but she's not comfortable sharing me with another woman for all the obvious reasons (STI risk, threats of developing feelings, etc.).

When I point out that I trust her so she should trust me with this freedom, she turns it around and says it's different because that's not what she signed up for. That this is my fantasy, not hers (implying somewhat that she's doing all this for my benefit?). Then she said she suspects the whole reason I introduced the hotwife idea was a long game to ultimately be able to have sex with other women.

That truly was never my intention, and I think deep down she knows that. But, I must admit it feels like it has turned into that. I have expressed to her my genuine feelings of compersion, and feel frustrated a bit that it seems she doesn't want the same for me. She feels threatened by the idea of me developing a deep connection with another woman that may undermine our marriage and destabalize our family. I emphasize to her that I would only seek out a single ethically non-monogamous woman in a similar situation (married/family), but that doesn't change her mind. At bottom, I get her reservations it but it bums me out.

She also notes that her situation with her ex is extremely unique because it has a shelf life. Once he starts dating again, she won't see him anymore because she doesn't want to be viewed as 'the other woman' and they would have to give up unprotected sex (which they prefer, naturally). Maybe most importantly she has said she's not interested in hotwifing with any new 'random' guys - that all of this only works because of 'ex-boyfriend' specifically.

I feel like I'm at an impasse. I like our current set-up but want more for myself. It has provided an awesome outlet for her in so many ways, adds spice, and a lot of those benefits extend to our 'real' lives. But I feel a little resentful that she has reservations on extending the same opportunity for me. And I find myself becoming resentful to an extent.

So it seems I either give up and lean into the current dynamic and cope with this feeling of unfulfillment, or take a hard-line approach and tell her to stop seeing her ex-boyfriend out of fairness (she has agreed to stop seeing him if I feel strongly about it). But I fear that will only lead to resentment on her part.

Is there some way forward here that I haven't considered?

tl;dr - wife has a great fwb situation and I want one too. Am I asking for too much?