I am almost 40, fat and soon to be single (TL;DR)
I dont know how to phrase this. It has been my biggest fear for several years now to lose my marriage. I think i am finally almost ready to just be done with this mess. It is draining to me and him now physically and mentally.
He had a "drug induced" night of going way too far I guess we will call it. I had to witness a lot of his words and actions on that night and it destryoed the person I was. It lead me to the deepest darkest walks to the other side. I shed some of my undesired qualities and gained some better ones a long the way but all at the expense of my marriage, my zest for life and some of the relationship I had with our kids. Right after we worked our asses off to buy this house which was all that he wanted. I could go deeper here but I won't.
I am unable to relax and be vulnerable now. I feel that I wasted all the best years of my life on him. The young and beautiful woman who used to turn heads. The baker and good volunteer. The team mom who was always there to help. I know that is my fault due to the fact that I create my own emotions and etc. I get that. It's hard for me to convey that we as spouses have a lot to do with the mental well being of our spouse and its completely fine if we have to validate the other.
He's not a very affectionate person to begin with and he hates to give compliments especially if I am "fishing" for them so I know not to rely on him for this. However, I try to let him know that I think he is handsome and that I love him. I kiss him and hug him randomly. I do try to be a good spouse to him but its too little too late i suppose.
I am finally at a point where I am not trying to be pleasing to him. I don't care about the affection anymore. In fact, I am finding my eyes to be wandering daily. I am so turned on by the men I see daily. I want one of those scenes from the movies where we do a hard makeout and f;;;k in an alley or a car or something. I am horny asf for laughter and attention and affection. I want it badly. I feel like I could easily move on if I had some company.
I don't want to cheat. I would hate to hurt him if he found out even after what he's done to me. I am a loyal lover and don't even like to show too much skin as his wife. I also don't know how much of this pit I am willing to accept either. I am torn. Do I stay? Do I cheat one night? Do I leave and find a new life and let him fly as well? If so, how? Do I take the kids away from their home and their lives of somewhat comfort? Do I leave the kids and seem selfish? Do I make him move out and find a job which I can support this home and the expenses? There's more layers to this but I'll save that for the professionals. Help!!!