I had sex with this Chinese migrant that worked at a massage parlor and barley spoke english, who I didnt even find attractive, because I was lonely, depressed, mentally ill and had low self esteem and didnt think I was good enough to be with a girl.

It was the worst decision I have made and words cannot describe how utterly disgusted, ashamed, and pathetic I feel.

The damage has already been done.

I feel 10 times worse and it has even given me a huge grudge. I know its not her fault but I can't help but detest her.

I am sick of people telling me "everyones first time is bad" and yeah, I get it.

But other peoples "first times" were at least with a girlfriend, a cute girl they met at a party, college, a dating app, etc who they were mutually attracted to and had a connection with.
just because the sex was a little awkward, people say their first time was "bad".

mine was fucking pathetic and disgusting. I dont think I will ever have sex again or even try to date

I try telling myself that it "doesnt count" but its too late.