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I had sex with this Chinese migrant that worked at a massage parlor and barley spoke english, who I didnt even find attractive, because I was lonely, depressed, mentally ill and had low self esteem and didnt think I was good enough to be with a girl.
It was the worst decision I have made and words cannot describe how utterly disgusted, ashamed, and pathetic I feel.
The damage has already been done.
I feel 10 times worse and it has even given me a huge grudge. I know its not her fault but I can't help but detest her.
I am sick of people telling me "everyones first time is bad" and yeah, I get it.
But other peoples "first times" were at least with a girlfriend, a cute girl they met at a party, college, a dating app, etc who they were mutually attracted to and had a connection with.
just because the sex was a little awkward, people say their first time was "bad".
mine was fucking pathetic and disgusting. I dont think I will ever have sex again or even try to date
I try telling myself that it "doesnt count" but its too late.
You can not and can never change the past. No one can. The difference is you act like you are chained to it and I, and most people, just move the F’ on. It happened it’s gone. Lots of way worse things are going to happen. Man up. Put it in the rear view mirror- use it as a learning experience and quit whining about it. Jesus - do you think you are a special little flower? It happened. Whatever. Learn and move on. Don’t use it as a mellow dramatic moment to get attention. Just love your life. It’s the only one you have. Also, nice work on getting laid. It feels great. It’s not the cosmic thing you are acting like it is. You are going to F’ a lot of ppl and some will be great and some will be mistakes. It’s called life.
Knock off the drama and move on.
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