I have ADHD that makes me obsess about people (mostly the opposite sex), autism (which probably helps with the previous issue lel), depression that has slightly improve coupled with anxiety and you have a real winner. I feel like I try to latch on to the opposite sex as I want to believe there is more than just the hero in my mind (the hero I needed for myself). To me, that mind device was a mental tourniquet until I could find something more suitable. I have tried to go to therapy and it did not seem to help outside Jungian books. Long story short, rejection from the job search and trying to date has worn me thin. I just don't see how someone could accept this. Add in a stubbornness to keep fighting for what I believe in and I could see how that might turn a lot of people off

Add in losing a parent when I was young and you are really cooking! I feel like my only way out of this is to take risks and work my ass off and with some luck get into a top school. The poverty and depression from my childhood with finally be behind me and won't pull me under. I will finally be able to eat the world as my childhood dream directed me. I am tired of lack. I will overcome my mountains or die trying. I feel broken, but will I wallow and let depression/lack of normalcy est me? Fuck no. The only option is to go forward. Despite all the negativity, there is a fucking spark in that won't let me give up that easily. Perhaps it is ego, perhaps it is God or the Universe, It can't stand mediocrity and won't let me get off that easily. I will try my plan Bs and if I fail, well I tried and can meander onto being a degenerate and realize at least I made one last ditch effort to avert the pit my life has become. Sorry for the wall of text, but outside my plan Bs here, I don't see a way out of the rut that is my life.