The following is a cross post from r/selfharm.

I relapsed on cutting, which I haven’t done for about a year. I sh in other ways often, such as hitting myself to give myself bruises and black eyes. I feel like there is someone inside of me and I want to kill that person. I carved “FUCK” and an up arrow (for fuck up) and then the letter “U” (for fuck you). Because I am a fuck up and I fucking hate myself. I did it on my left thigh, and I really really want to carve something else on my right thigh, and for the first time of cutting I feel more urge than shame. I feel shame of course, but I feel the urge to hurt this person in me more than the shame. My girlfriend knows, and some things that I have done to her (nothing dv or sa, just being a shitty partner) have made me cut as a way to punish this guy in me for doing it. What do I do? I’m scared if I’m honest with my therapist or psychiatrist that I’ll be sent to a facility and the semester just started and I cannot miss work or school, especially school this early in the semester. I need help. I am lost.

—End Crosspost—

I don’t know what to do? I do not know who I am or who this is but I just want to kill it off. I’m scared of the possibility of being institutionalized, it terrifies me. It’s like my dirty little secret of being so mentally ill will be out for everyone. And I don’t think my gf would handle it well at all. If I do, god forbid, get sent to a psych ward, what’s it like? I’ve heard it’s awful.