I have follicular lymphoma stage 4 (tho I think the staging has changed and I'm now a 3B?). I found out after I relocated out of state for a job, right after my divorce. Went thro a lite treatment Jan to Mar last year but it wasn't working, as my lymph nodes were growing, so we ended that. Then after a second opinion and a couple months later, I was going to attempt a stronger treatment. Got thro one dose before they fired me. Sold nearly all I have to come back to my home state. Now I live with my 89 yr old grandma.

I had one treatment last month that I was so nervous about, I immediately had a panic attack just sitting in the "room" waiting. I had a severe allergic reaction to the medicine before and was scared it would happen again. Rigors are no joke. And of course, I did have a massive reaction. They pumped me full of so much steroids that I wanted to peel off my skin for nearly two weeks afterward. You know that horrible wound up, super energy that just won't leave your body and makes you just want to scream 24/7? Anyway, besides that, I fell extremely ill after. Even fainted and had to call an ambulance I was so weak, I couldn't sit up myself. Lost so much hair. My bangs are so thin and gray now I look like I'm 45. I wear a hat 24/7.

I am just now feeling okay enough to function like a normal person and I have to go into my second treatment Tuesday... I don't want to go. The first one really shattered my world. Made me really feel like I do have cancer. I thought I had processed it and was okay, but I didn't. I don't think I'll ever be done processing it as new things keep coming up. This treatment made me feel weak, feeble, like I really am dying. But I'm being dramatic, I know I am, but it feels real to me. idk.

I've just given up on my life. Truly. I don't care about anything. The room I sleep in at my gram's is just piles and piles of my things. My car is dirty and gross. I have no job. I will run out of money this month. And what the hell am I supposed to do?! I don't have family that wants to help me or that even gives a shit about me or my cancer - besides gram and my one sister. I have no friends.

I've let everything go. Not opening mail, not checking on bills or phone calls. I'm sure I've ruined my credit being late on so many bills, which has made me extremely anxious when I try to open up my computer and try to fix the mess I made.

I just want to be done. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have my life back. I'm holding on by a string and I don't think I am strong enough to do this anymore. I just can't handle anything else. There's nothing left of me to give. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I just want to be done.

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