I’m sorry this is so long. I feel I have absolutely no one to talk to about this.

I (f24) am in a long distance relationship with my bf (m30) we have been dating on and off for the past 3 years. I finally flew out to see him this week. Some background information, we are both virgins and he is my first bf. Prior to meeting we would have phone sex occasionally. During which he seemed to express that he would enjoy having sex irl. And he would often ask me to send him nudes. Which he told me he used to masturbate to. And I enjoyed that, but for some periods of time he would not want to engage and turn me down when I tried to initiate it. Part of the reason he explained was his anxiety or he was tired/not in the mood. Which I understood. Although it did make me feel alone. I had asked him previously if he watched porn and he would say yes but not often. I never really liked the idea of him watching it but I thought it was okay at least he didn’t watch it all the time.

I was very excited and eager to finally be able to have sex with him and share that level of intimacy in our relationship when I met him. While he did express some anxiety to me about the way he looked and how he would perform. I thought everything would be fine. Since I explained to him how size, is not a problem for me. And I thought he’d be able to get comfortable when he realized how it really doesn’t bother me.

Well when I got here I wanted to sleep together very soon. But he didn’t even seem interested much at all. This confused me because it seemed so different from the way he expressed his desires of me in the past. We were scrolling through his instagram together. And then an argument happened because I noticed he had sexual videos on his instagram reel suggestions and I asked him about it. I thought he knew how I felt about videos like that. As I’m not comfortable with him looking at porn here on Reddit. At first he acted like he didn’t know why they were there and said they are always suggested to him. I told him it was suggested because he is obviously interested in videos like that so it is recommended again. And that’s when he confessed that he watches porn every other day. And I find out it’s incredibly hard for him to maintain an erection and orgasm. He said he’s been alone for so long that it’s something he does when he is lonely and bored. And he was embarrassed about it. I thought that was a lame excuse, but I understand the embarrassment. I told him he could have just reached out to me when he felt lonely as I never turned him down. And it hurt and made me think about all the times I wanted to connect with him but he wasn’t in the mood. To think that he was giving his attention to porn is heartbreaking. He told me that he would stop watching porn and looking at videos like that. Because he values our relationship and having me in his life more than the porn.

The next night we tried to have sex and he wasn’t able to maintain an erection. I felt really ashamed that I couldn’t arouse my bf. Like there was something wrong with me. I felt undesirable and unattractive. That maybe if I looked like the women he watched he wouldn’t have a problem. He told me that it wasn’t my fault. But I still feel very hurt and betrayed.

I don’t know what to do. Because I really love him and care about our relationship but I have a high sex drive and it’s important for me to have that intimacy in a relationship with my partner only. I’ve expressed this to him a couple times since then. And I feel like he lied to me about how much he watches porn when we started talking, so that he could get closer with me. He made it seem like he didn’t care for that stuff. He didn’t even follow a lot of women on instagram. So I thought I had been lucky to find a guy that was different than so many I’ve heard about before.

For the last couple days I find myself dwelling on it and become very upset and sad about it still. It makes me feel sick. I’ve been distancing myself from him and it’s hard to return his affection. It’s very hard because I feel an obligation to act like everything is okay around his family that I have just met. I also feel like it’s hard to trust him from past betrayals in our relationship, that left me traumatized. He’s acknowledged his actions and their affect on me and he does try to improve. And since the incidents that caused me trauma, I feel he has been a better bf. But I still don’t forgive him fully for everything that happened there.

How do I come to terms with this discovery? I want to forgive him and move on but I also want to honour myself. Can I do both at the same time? I don’t want to ruin my trip either as I’m here for another month and a half…but I keep thinking about it. And I worry how things will be with his addiction when I return home. And if there are videos like that on his instagram then I wonder where else he could be viewing it… I just feel so hopeless. I can’t stop from thinking about it for long and I feel out of control of my emotions.