This is my second post here but I was a chicken and deleted the first. I've been following the community for almost two years now.

I'm 21 and was engaged to a man (23) who I thought was the love of my life. He is undocumented so I worked to provide for us while putting myself through school, all while he barely worked and couldn't even pass all his classes. I paid for everything and tried to give him a safe place away from an unsafe home life.

The lies began before we even got together. All the flirting and emotional affairs with other women while refusing to cut them off, constant porn while I was in school, working, or sleeping, and gaslighting have eaten away at me. He constantly denied things even when I had proof. He blamed me for pushing him away after he betrayed my trust time after time. I was in a severely abusive relationship right before this one and I'm a survivor of sexual violence. He knows how much I hate the porn industry for all the harm it has done to people and how fragile my self esteem is.

Today he had the nerve to tell me that I drove him to do those things more because I wasn't "compassionate enough" and that the only time he was treated the way he wanted me to treat him was the day I told him to leave after another betrayal and broke down begging him to come back because I wanted to kill myself. He didn't come back that day, of course. I don't understand why he would say that to me today. It's like he wants me to feel that way.

He always guilts me because he days he gave up friends for me. The friends he gave up were the people he was having EA's with and his high school best friend, who was a liar and was majorly abusive to his girlfriend, not to mention involved in some horrible, illegal things.

I'm so broken. I can't eat properly or sleep, or do my job. We're living together now, but I don't want to live with him anymore. What kind of an idiot gives up getting a green card, having a SO who pays for everything, and the person he says he loves most in the world for a little rush of dopamine? He can't even last two minutes during sex. Doesn't he care that the industry supports sex trafficking and abuse?

I tried everything with him. I put a parenting app on his devices. I had him get therapy and try Fortify. He tried going to meetings for addicts (for like a day). I've shown him time and time again how much it hurts me and it's not enough. I don't like who I am anymore. I want to hurt him and I want to hurt myself.

We have so many happy memories together and he helped me a lot when I opened up about the abuse I experienced with my ex. We were friends for a while. I hate that I care about him so much.

I don't know where I'll go yet. I don't know where he'll go or how he'll survive financially. I feel guilty for not supporting him anymore but I'm so exhausted. I really want my own place, and a cat. It's so hard to imagine how I'll get there. I have a wonderful therapist and a support system, but sometimes it hurts too much and I would rather just not feel anything anymore.