So this might be a bit much (or not) idk. Ill start with that Im 28(f) and my partner is 25(m). We have 2 children. Both girls (one I have from a previous relationship but have full custody). Youngest daughter (who is biologically his) is about to turn one. I have recently discovered that my partner has a porn addiction.

Please please do not judge me for what I am about to say....:: My partner and I met almost 10 years ago but we only started officially dating 3ish years ago. I went through many phases in my life (i'm not proud of a lot of them). At one point, I was an OF worker. My partner was an active customer. This was years before we became romantic. It has since been discussed extensively. I have told him how that part of my life is over and that it honestly negatively affected me. I now see all men so differently. Even family. I regret it a lot. He knows all of this. We have both discussed how we both have had porn problems in the past. I haven't viewed porn in about 5 years now. It hasn't been much of a thought up until what happened recently.

To preface this: There was one previous situation about 6 months after I had our daughter. I rolled over to kiss him in bed in the middle of the night and fell back asleep on his chest; nothing sexual to it. I woke up to him masturbating while I still laid on his chest. I got irate immediately. I felt disgusted and betrayed. I didn't sleep in the bed with him for a month. I still can't sleep fully comfortable. But I chose to move on past that. I told him he had one more chance to do something like that and it was over. I still haven't fully gotten over it but I'm choosing to work on it because I don't feel like there was malice behind it. I understand I may be blind to the situation but I'm doing my best under the circumstances.

Anyways, about 3 months ago, I noticed my partner had become increasingly withdrawn from me physically. We have always had a great sexual relationship. Since I had our daughter, I've really felt like myself again and I finally felt sexy for the first time in almost a year. I've worked really hard to get myself healthy mentally and physically since my pregnancy and honestly, I've felt amazing. I started wondering why he wasn't seeming as into me as he used to. I mentioned it a few times and he totally shut down. I didn't want to make it a big deal, so I just moved on. I stay home with my children(home school my oldest) so I truly have so much going on, I don't think much of small interactions like this, but it kept getting worse. Eventually, I went through his phone. And I know that is an invasion of privacy and I feel awful about it. I didn't want to but I truly thought he was cheating on me. To my relief, he wasn't. There were a few sketchy FB interactions but nothing too bad. I did, however, notice his browser history was cleared. I knew immediately.

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Weirdly enough, I wasn't super mad. I confronted him about it and told him that I knew what that meant. I told him that I was more hurt that he felt the need to hide things from me at this point. He then admitted that he had a porn addiction (his exact words). I got upset and asked him if he ever stopped watching porn while we were together, and he said no. After a small argument, we talked it out. I told him that I wanted it to stop and that I would support him however he needed it because I've dealt with these feelings before. I told him that I didn't want him taking his phone to the bathroom and that I wanted him to plug it up in a different room at night. I didn't want to go to the extent to putting a monitoring app on his phone or checking his history because that's not what I want from a relationship. I just want him to be honest. I've remained increasingly calm every time I've found something. Trust me, I cry about it later when everyone's in bed but in the moment, I feel like I give him a very safe space to discuss things.

So all of that was a few months ago and sexually, we are worse than ever. I try to get pretty for him and make his favorite dinners and clean the house (the best I can with 2 kids at home 24/7) but he only touches me when I initiate it. I asked him about that and he said he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable which I appreciate but are we just never supposed to have sex again? I don't feel entirely comfortable but I want to work through it with him. He seems perfectly okay with being stuck in limbo. He works a lot so I try to take that into consideration when dealing with things, but I feel like my feelings always take a back seat. I stay at home with kids all day, everyday. I home school and I haven't gotten a free day since my youngest was born almost a year ago. I appreciate everything my partner does for us. I truly do but I just miss feeling sexy and connected with him.

About 2 weeks ago, we get into a discussion about the porn thing and I ask him if he has watched porn since then. He said no. I felt like he wasn't being truthful so I asked him to please tell me the truth and that we can't work together if he's not transparent. He told me he had watched porn at work. He works at a restaurant. The only place he could've done that is the bathroom or the car. Both of those options are extremely problematic to me. While I appreciated the honesty, I got a little upset because I feel like he is just doing what he wants at this point and then saying sorry thinking nothing will happen. I try not to let this effect my mentality but its hard. Especially after having a child a year ago. I am starting to feel kinda terrible about myself and I find myself looking in the mirror more, wondering if I look like the girls hes looking at. What sucks is that I used to be one of the girls he looked at....

I am very open with him about how I am feeling. I try to get him to speak about his feelings but he's very reserved socially. I love this about him but I always feel like I'm doing something wrong but he won't tell me. Because of my situation, I don't talk to many people outside of family. I honestly prefer to stay home and be with my kids but thats only if I have a partner to share my day with. I feel alone when he's home, off of work. I've told him that if he just doesn't want to be with me, that its okay and that I'd rather him be honest with me than pretend he's happy.

I know this has turned into a lot of rambling and I truly truly appreciate anyone who made it this far. I guess I just wanted some kind of perspective or advice. I want to make this work but I'm tired of compromising my feelings and boundaries. I want him to be honest, but I feel like he just does whatever he wants then says sorry and thinks its all okay. If this is too far gone, what do I do? I have never said all of this to anyone, so this honestly feels super weird but I'm glad theirs a community where people are welcome to discuss this.