Hey there guys, I just joined this subreddit and I hope this is relevant. Also, this will be a bit long, sorry in advance. So, to begin, I'm a guy and I'm 26. My one and only relationship was in 2016 (this was a long-distance, but we met up eventually). The long story short of that relationship is that it was my first love, I did everything in that relationship and put her needs ahead of mine (she was suicidal, depressed, and I fell in love and thought I could help her). Well, we broke up (she was toxic, said she'd kill herself if I left her, etc.) We remained in touch after the breakup, and she confessed she was never in love with me or into me, just liked that I was there for her.

I mean, I was self-conscious about myself before that relationship, so that was a big hit and I think that's why I have an anxious attachment style. I give and give all the care, love, attention and effort into someone hoping I'd get the same in return, and if I don't, it hurts. I honestly cannot recall the last time a girl went out of her way for me, told me she cares about me, thinks about me, stuff like that.

The other situation that happened which I am kind of on the fence about posting here was the attention I was getting from a girl. I opened up to her, told her I was lonely, sad, etc., pretty much what I'm typing here. Only issue is she was married, and we worked together, but I liked the attention she was giving me. I know it's not a good look for me but knowing my past, I was vulnerable and most of what happened between us I still remember. One time I was at work, she knew I was having a long day and she just hugged me, put my head on her chest and just held me, I still think about that, and it was years ago.

Nothing much came from that; we just kissed every now and then. She noticed I was getting attached so she just dropped me without regarding my feelings and I got hurt again (I know the irony of getting hurt by someone who is married).

If I'm 100 percent honest, I know I'm starved for attention, touch, affection, intimacy, all of that. I know I'm supposed to care about myself (self-care and whatnot), but it's really hard to shake this loneliness and sadness I have in my heart when I'm the one that gives 100 percent only to not get much back. It's like I measure my self-worth with what I can get from someone.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I open up very easily and that leads me to get hurt every time. Now I don't want to open up anymore. I greet people at work (cashier) and when I ask how they're doing to make conversation (I genuinely care about others) and they ask how I am, I always just say "I'm good" because I've never had anyone be genuine and I'm so used to it. I'm afraid to be vulnerable with others.

In reality I just really want someone that puts in some effort to show they care about me. I want someone that'll ask me how my day is going, cuddle me, hug me, and just be there. I've just been so lonely all these years and just yearn for a connection with someone sweet, caring, and genuine, because I'm all those things for others, except myself, I want someone to see my self-worth, because it's hard for me to see it right now, my heart is just so hurt, and I am emotionally drained.

I'm sorry that was long, I just needed to type this all somewhere, thank you if you read all of this and have a great day!