GLAD YOU ASKED, I'M GONNA TELL YOU NOW.

This post will be spoiler-riffic, so if you care about spoilers, go watch Wrestlemania first and then check back in with me.

* I tried to nap through the preshow because I thought the main show was gonna be eight hours long. Turns out I spent that time looking at cheer-up posts and the eight hour figure INCLUDED THE PRESHOW. Anyway, I'm not mad at the preshow results, having looked them up. I lost track of the cruiserweight division long, long ago, so I don't have much of an opinion on that match. Hawkins breaking his losing streak rocks. Carmella always kinda hits a weird note for me - probably because her theme song is basically "Fancy" by Iggy Azelia - but I'm cool with it. Aaaaaand then there's Braun of House Strowman winning to help fill the Big Sweaty Men Quota.

* Alexa Bliss opening the show by summoning Hulk Hogan was... well, I question that choice. Dude practically made the show the big deal that it is, yes, I acknowledge that. But still. A bit weird, maaaaybe feels like they're trying to rush bringing him back without enough public good will built up to facilitate it going well? I did laugh when he called it the Silverdome though.

* And then Heyman just angry-walks through that party and throws a temper tantrum about Lesnar/Rollins not being the main event. It read like Heyman and Lesnar were just throwing a fit about not headlining.

* Given the fact that Lesnar was beating Rollins to a pulp for a number of minutes outside the ring before even starting the match... Yeah, Seth, if I were you I'd kick him in the dick too. And thank absolute GOD Rollins actually won the damn thing. I'm done with Lesnar because honestly, it's felt like for a while now, to me at least, that either he thinks he's too good for WWE or he just doesn't care anymore, so as far as I'm concerned, have fun in UFC.

* Styles/Orton... So, first of all, I noticed we're still doing the 3D floating graphics for the home audience, that's cool. The match itself? The idea of this being a WWE vs TNA/NJPW kinda deal deep down kept floating through the back of my head. I didn't really have much stake in this, but for the sake of "please stop it with WWE guys winning over guys who came in from outside just to say neener neener we're better than the other wrestling options you have" I'm kinda glad Styles took it.

* Smackdown tag team championship match next, and man, that was a fun match to watch. I'm in awe of how long Cesaro kept spinning, that was fucking bonkers. That huge multi-man spot off the ropes, how the fuck did Ricochet manage to roll away from that one while everybody else took damage? And I'm glad that the Usos retained, given that commentary was pushing the idea that the fatal four way was "punishment for standing up for what they believe in" - aka forfeiting the tag team gauntlet match to let Kofi have the title shot. They "stood up for what they believed in" and were able to defend that, and I like that.

* Shane vs Miz. Oh golly. So, this was... interesting. Of note, when Miz's dad got in the ring, I firmly believed that Vince McMahon was gonna pop up to defend his son as well. I thought that would've been kind of funny, MizDad vs Vince. And then it got serious, and Miz went "not my dad you bitch" and it was kind of wild. There were points when I knew the match wasn't gonna end yet because Shane hadn't done the patented Shane Jumps From A Tall Thing Spot yet, but holy shit, when they BOTH took the fall from the tall thing? I didn't see that coming and it was kinda great but also HOLY SHIT GUYS. And then the fact that it backfired on Miz and Shane won by the technicality of having his arm on top of Miz was a nice touch.

* Women's! Tag! Team! Championships!! I'm glad this is a thing now, first of all. Second of all, I will always cry when Bayley shows up for Mania. She means a lot to me because when I started getting into wrestling, I wasn't necessarily in a great place, and she represented, to me, what I never want my depression to take away from me. Third of all, given that there's been a little bit of buzz about the Bella Twins coming back to challenge for the tag titles, there was a brief blip where I thought they were gonna storm in and create a fatal five-way. Fourth, I enjoyed this match, it was a bit of a chaotic thing but like the Smackdown tag title match, yeah, it was gonna be, there are eight people there. I liked the finish, I liked that the IIconics kinda outsmarted Beth there, it worked, and I am SO glad these two got their moment. Also had the thought of who started using the Glamazon name first: Beth Phoenix or RuPaul? Doesn't matter, still had a fun time with this match.

* I love the whole story of Kofi Kingston for the WWE championship. After having been around for so long and being a consistent performer, he comes shooting up to prominence and gets the whole fanbase on his side with a stellar performance - damn good story already. Xavier and Big E being Kofi's biggest supporters, ride or die the whole way through? Brilliant. The hurdles placed in his way before Mania? Frustrating as hell, but did it make the build work? Yes it did. This match had a tension to it the whole way through and I was so, so freaking happy when it ended how it did. Bless Kofi, bless the New Day, bless those t-shirts.

* I literally spent the entire US title match thinking "Huh, I wonder what it takes to get a job as an international commentator for something like WWE? How do they find people for this job? What kind of requirements are there for the job?" I mean, I was paying attention to the match, but it was so quick that it was over before I could fully get through that whole train of thought. Also, Rey's outfit was fun.

* Drew McIntyre! You're vicious! And you brought a whole shitload of bagpipes to your ring entrance! Bagpipe party! Dude, you just went in for this match. The trash-talking Roman throughout, the... the brutality. Good show, good show.

* Roman Reigns! You're back! And you look pretty when you sell! I missed you, man, I'm glad you won this one. The whole "this one's for everyone who struggled and suffered" commentary angle felt a little cheesy but I was in the right mood to welcome it and feel honored by it. Having it be just avenging the honor of his family and his Shield brothers would've also been good enough for me.

* Elias having a whole self-made band made me smile. Elias playing the guitar along with the "Seven Nation Army" chant made me squee. John Cena as the Doctor of Thuganomics? Made me laugh SO HARD. The "piece of shih tzu" line in particular had me in stitches. I think people still kinda underestimate how funny Cena is. I am, however, still kind of grumpy/disappointed that he wasn't Angle's final opponent, but we'll get to that in a mo.

* Don't judge me but I kind of really enjoyed Triple H's Mad Max inspired ring entrance. I couldn't help but laugh. That's great. That's just great. I saw someone on Twitter wishing he brought some NXT guys out as War Boys and that would've been fun too. You know what's NOT fun? Piercings getting targeted. I could not look when he went for Batista's nose ring. I covered my eyes. Sorry not sorry! It was about this point in the show that I realized just how many of the matches on the card were, in one way or another, no-DQ. And as I watched these two guys who're both pushing 50 absolutely wrecking each other... I realized I was not upset by this.

* Kurt Angle deserved a better retirement match than that, is really all I have to say. We knew going in that it was his last match, but still, seeing him retire hurt, and so did seeing shots of the crowd being devastated. Also, I kinda gotta wonder if Corbin got hurt during this - something felt off to me about him as he was leaving the ring.

* I have said it before and I will say it again: Finn Balor's theme is dick-riding music. Sorry not sorry. It's always kinda fun to see the Demon side of him come out and party, even if it does tread a weird line aesthetically sometimes. Seeing him scare off Lio Rush was fun. I wish I remembered more of this match but I'm writing after work on Monday and work was weird.

* And then. The main event. I'm excited to have witnessed the first time a women's match headlined Wrestlemania, I really am. And I am so, so thankful that Becky pulled it off and won the thing, I have scarcely ever been more proud to have Irish heritage. It was a wild, wild ride of a match. All three of them just went absolutely ham on each other. Glad they let 'em go ham. As squirrely as the build for this got, I think it needed to be a match where they went ham. Although I'm a bit annoyed that Ronda decided "tables are for bitches" - 'scuse me, this show you're on has a proud history of TLC matches, loosen up some and let pro wrestling be what it is, or sit down. But really... I'm just glad to see Becky triumphant at the end of the night.

Final thoughts? I felt like this Wrestlemania had kind of a weird vibe to it, but I'm glad I was able to witness it, and I had a whole heap of fun. I'm very tired right now though. Gonna wrap this here.