Age 10. I started having major anxiety issues. Alot of my anxiety was a fear of throwing up. So to help my anxiety I just stopped eating when I was not at home. This meant I went to school without breakfast didn't eat lunch. I was starting by the time I came home from school and would binge bc I felt safe enough to eat.

Age 18. I was away at college and my anxiety was back. It had come and gone over the years but medication helped. But being away from home made it spike. I ate enough but not much. I came home for a holiday break and just ate and ate and ate. Again safe.

Age 21. I took a break from college and was working my first grownup job. Sundays I worked in the office alone. It was busy and I didn't really get a chance to eat. Was super hungry. I would pick up nachos on the way home from work and watch tv and eat nachos (usually followed by ice cream). I was home and relaxed and celebrating the feeling of accomplishment of a long and productive day.

I'm 36 now and in recent years I've realized that these early experiences (and others like them) are a big part of why I'm overweight. It's not only about the type of food I want it's the amount of food that feels safe and celebratory to me. I have trained myself to view the reward for a job well done to be food I love in large quantities. I think this is why I've struggled so much with calorie counting. Bc it neglects the emotional side for me. If I have a tough day at work but eating half a pizza and half a pint of ice cream would make me feel good emotionally...then eating one slice and and a low cal ice cream bar just doesn't meet that emotional need. It leaves me emotionally longing.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Is there a way to untrain myself view food as a reward or celebration? Or is there a way to train myself to accept different or smaller amounts of food to be just as effective in this?