Hey everyone, I feel like I am losing my mind.

I have dieted a lot in the past. I'm a 25/F and my first big health binge was when I was 18 and shedding my freshman 15 (okay, 20). I had "dieted" on and off before then but it hadn't been serious or long-term. I would lose weight and gain it back right away.

Over the last 7 or 8 years, I have had at least 4 pretty serious attempts at losing weight. Long-term - 5 months or longer - of exercising and eating 1200 calories (I'm 5'1" so in theory I don't need that much. I'm 165 lbs or so right now and want to be down to like, 120). I would lose at least 15 lbs at a time and keep it off a few years and then VOILA it's back. Lowest I ever weighed was 138 and I was there almost a full year. I felt damn good, too. But that was already 4 years ago.

The most recent health binge I had was fall of 2015. 4 glorious months of running and eating right and quitting smoking. 2016 was a blur of eating and smoking and not giving a fuck (glorious in its own way). But of course, now I'm right back where I started, all progress gone (and wondering if I will ever, truly, find a weight I'm happy at - when I was 138, I may have felt and looked good, but I was also at my most depressed, and took it for granted)

The weight came back steadily when I moved to another country. I didn't really care because I had stopped worrying about that and just wanted to be happy, and not constantly stress over weightloss. I have been anorexic and bulimic. But I try to be really good when I'm dieting (eating vegetables, replacing carbs with better proteins or vitamins etc).

I joined the gym a month ago and have been watching what I eat for 6 weeks or so. I saw nothing for the first three weeks. I run 5km three times a week, and never go over 1300 calories. (I've been counting calories since I was 10. I know how much is in things just by looking at them. But of course, I am constantly checking how many calories might be in something, I'm very careful about portion size, etc.)

Nothing for three weeks. Then suddenly, a 2.5 kg drop (~6 lbs). Then one day I eat pasta, ONE DAY, and I'm back up 2 kg. (It's not like I had cut out pasta or breads entirely, but this was a particularly good pasta, a "reward" pasta for a month of hard work and running when I really don't feel like it and hey, I also quit smoking two months ago and still want to tear my hair out every day but I am doing EVERYTHING RIGHT)

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!?

I know everyone here will think, "well you must be a fucking medical marvel" or "you're not counting your calories right" but I AM. I am doing what I have done in the past, being careful with what I eat but not overdoing it (e.g. cutting out everything so that I end up rebounding and bingeing), I am running 15 god damn km a week, and there is absolutely no poundage lost to show for it, now over a month after I have started.

Has anyone had this experience?? Usually I drop a lot of weight immediately and then plateau and then see regular progress. This is just unbelievable, I am so frustrated and tired and I wanna smoke a fucking cigarette and I just need help and guidance so please, anything, any experience at all, I would love to hear it. Thank you so much for your time and for reading this.