For most of my life, I was athletic and thin and absolutely hated myself. At 5’9 and 135-145 lbs I was a size 2-4 and had visible top abs during certain times of the month. I put a ton of effort into my nutrition, gym routine, and staying active. People complimented my “dancer” body frequently (lmao never danced I am uncoordinated af). I thought my thinness was one of the main things that made me beautiful and worthy of kindness from others.

Then, threeish years ago, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship that only deepened my self hatred. I struggled with depression and PTSD, and coped with alcohol (not crazy amounts but not healthy amounts), weed, and food. I put on weight very fast despite staying physically active. Eventually I was over 200 lbs but too afraid to weigh myself. I would do insane hiit sessions, steep hill runs, weight lifting, spin classes, etc until the point of throwing up, feeling faint, and near collapsing with exhaustion to punish or redeem myself for the weight gain. All it did was burn me out and make me feel like a failure, in addition to some shitty overuse injuries (quad tendonopathy, shin splints, RTC tear). The time off exercising and effort to rehab those injuries heavier than I was used to was HELL. I gave up and stopped all working out besides walking and yoga. I escaped the abusive relationship (barely with my life), but lost so much in doing so, and it really broke me.

It took two years of medication, therapy, rest, and self work for me to feel any desire to take care of my physical body. To be open to the idea of giving myself love and compassion instead of judgement and shame. To want to be better instead of slowly killing myself in every way but overtly. One surprising thing that really helped me was being around people who are physically and mentally healthy and good at self-care. I lived with a healthy neurotypical person who objectively looks fantastic and very fit, and was shocked at their lifestyle. They worked out only 30 minutes a day, three to four days a week at the gym where they only did three exercises, supplemented by short distance bike rides and walking. They had a balance of healthy (but not obsessively so) home cooking with eating out a lot of cheesy Italian food. They drank and smoked occasionally, but to have fun, not dissociate.

For over a decade I would have never let myself go to the gym for “only” 30 minutes or three exercises. If I did any less than an hour of cardio and hour of weights 5x a week (with yoga on off days), I was failing. I wasn’t trying hard enough, I wasn’t good enough. If I ate pizza or ice cream I was weak and disgusting. It took work and time, but eventually I wholeheartedly accepted that these narratives were irrational and not helping me at all.

Learning how to give myself the grace to go easy and be proud of myself for doing any small healthy steps made a world of difference. At first it felt forced and stupid and childish, but I would tell myself things like “way to go babe” for 15-20 minutes of cardio or doing some planks. I learned how to look at myself in the mirror again and looked for ways to complement myself like I would a friend or lover (I love complimenting people!). With practice and working on mindfully monitoring my negative self talk, it got easier and easier to say nice things to myself. When I was tired I let myself take resistance or time off my workout, as much as I wanted, as long as I showed up and tried. I made super easy 3 movement workouts for days I had low energy. I let myself eat three meals a day, or even dessert and snacks, with only praise allowed for nourishing my body properly.

At first I didn’t see a lot of physical results, but I felt noticeable improvement in my mental health and stayed the course. I have since ramped up my activity (when I feel good, rested, and nourished ONLY) and am cooking more and more healthy enjoyable meals at home.

Over the last four months I have lost approximately 25 pounds in the healthiest way I have ever lost weight. I look forward to eating and gym instead of dreading them. I don’t feel burnt out. I’m loving myself more and more, not for how I look (which is not that different yet), but for who I am and how hard I am working. As of last week, I am in onederland!! Old me would have been repulsed at myself for “letting myself go” so much and being proud of such a “shameful” number. Current me has more pride, joy, and hope than old me ever did.

I hope any of you struggling with self care or self love (or just treating yourself with basic decency) can take this as a sign. You are worth it and worthy, no matter what anyone has told you or what you have told yourself.

Tl;dr- it is WAY easier to help yourself when you don’t hate yourself. Start small and force yourself to practice self-love until it becomes more natural.