EDIT: Everybody here has been so helpful thank you guys so much! I’m just going to focus on making little changes, one step at a time. And addressing the other factors in my life that are making me turn to food to cope, and fixing my mental and physical health, not all at once but gradually. Thank you all so much ❤️❤️

I’m 20 M, 5’11. I haven’t stepped on a scale in months but my guess is I’m about 215-225 pounds. I lost a significant amount of weight twice in my teenage years but neither time I maintained this loss. I’m dealing with so much. I’m trying to escape an emotionally abusive mother and home and trying to undo her programming which has completely fucked up my mental health. I have a very dear online friend and things have been complicated with them lately. I have been dealing with horrible OCD and Anxiety issues that have further wrecked my mental health. Around 2020 I came down with a severe depression that I never came out of. I centered my life around food even before but now it’s the only thing that gives me happiness. Everything else feels pointless and at many points junk food has been the only thing that has kept me alive, because no matter how much my life sucks at least I have some nachos to look forward to when I get home.

In July, I started feeling tingling in my fingers and toes. I know that that in and of itself could be many different things but it’s also a diabetes symptom and I’ll be honest if I have diabetes I don’t plan on sticking around for much longer. Food is the ONLY thing keeping me sane. I’ve been utterly nihilistic and suicidal for years but food has at least held back the dam. I’m having bloodwork done in September and if I do have diabetes I may just go home and end things that same day. Food is my only coping mechanism and it’s being taken away from me. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do and I’m so fucking disassociated and depressed that I really don’t care.

Food is the only damn thing keeping me sane and now I’m sick and may lose it and I don’t know how I can further cope with my mental health issues. Also I start university in a week so this is going to be another stressful time in my life, on top of trying to escape an emotionally abusive household and trying to deal with all the mental health issues I have. And I’m so tired and out of it I don’t even really care like I should. I’m so angry mad and scared and I no longer see the point in living.