Oh God, I troll too much. Yesterday I was bored and unmotivated to work on my book because I'm at the chapter where I start to talk about the cult I was in, and that's going to be difficult because so much happened in a short time, so I decided to make a post about how meth is spiritual on r/psychonaut. The first draft of the post made it obviously out to be me trolling, but I revised it so it was pretty apparent if you questioned some things I said, but the average person, in all their infinite wisdom, would fall for my ridiculous premise of a post. Fun was had educating the vocal naysayers in the comments about the CIA and other zany topics. 

I don't know why I'm drawn so much to trolling. I think part of it is compensation for my once poor social skills in order to socialize to some degree. I used to be a bad troll, way before I found my home subreddit of people similar to myself, which was seven years ago. I would try to break people, usually by creating infuriating arguments while insulting them with a cutting tongue. I wasn't always a moral person I guess. 

But now it's a matter of trying to educate and entertain others in a divergent manner. I love when I can flip somebody from being triggered and negative to when we both are having fun. Had a dude ask me about hearing aliens from meth psychosis yesterday, and I regaled him with all my crazy theories about how an extraterrestrial hivemind is interacting with humanity through the internet. He was receptive and polite, so I dropped the facade and we exchanged pleasantries before parting ways.

That's how I like to socialize now. I'm not much for making friends the traditional way, like chatting and jumping through hoops for each other. I dunno, I'm just weird, I guess. I'm not much of a social creature to begin with, yet at the same time I get lonely at times because I don't normally form close bonds with people. I guess I don't like opening up and being vulnerable with people typically. I'm a shallow person who uses absurd humor to patch the gap between being likable and actually being liked.

It makes me feel good that I'm able to be an inspirational figure for some of the people on my home subreddit and make them laugh on occasion. But, I'd love it if that led to making real friends. I have positive interactions and associates in the community, but I feel as if I'm just a hollow figurehead. I don't feel like a real person. I'm just a robot who can say the words, but I don't really have the full experience that an actual human being might.

What do people really think of me? I'm genuinely curious. I feel like I'm just putting on a puppet show for people. There's no real substance to me. I got shitposts, but there's no soul. I'm lonely I guess is what I'm saying. Since the start of the sub I mentioned, I'd hope to make the close friends that I always dreamed of. I got one, and he's the best ever. I consider some other people to be friends, but I don't know if they consider me a friend.

I'm going to use an example that still strikes me as painful. In what I think was a group chat where someone said they were traveling to America, a person I consider a good friend that I've known for years would talk with them and come to say that he has a homie in Tennessee. Homie; singular, meaning my friend and roommate who is a closer friend with him. Am I not a homie? We talk fairly frequently, but I guess there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just not good enough to be his friend. 

I dunno. I'm kinda sad now. Reflecting on a lifetime of feeling like a subhuman defect right now. It's always been this way. Kids didn't want to be my friend. My mom had to make playdates with their moms and coach me on how to make friends. I remember we would rehearse what to say with a pencil and notebook in order to get other kids' phone numbers. I remember her trying to get me to start a club so I could integrate with a number of my fellow students. I remember always being wrong and feeling like no one ever told me the rules of how the other kids were playing. I was always in my own little, defected world. 

Sigh…This double edged sword of a brain really hurts sometimes. It's great being a fucking genius, but sometimes I'd like to trade a few brain cells to be more loved. My friend had this same issue, but different. He openly welcomed brain damage from huffing because he surmised that it might make him more like other people. I think it hurt him in other ways. There's no escape from this curse. This is how life is for me. Just gotta accept it to transcend the suffering of it I guess. 

And I do that, to the point of openly embracing my strengths to compensate for my shortcomings. So, here's to me shitting out content by the day, and playing alternative social games like trolling. This is how I'm meant to be. And that's ok. I love myself, and I know that if I try hard enough, I can almost block out the pain I feel from simply being me.