I'm seeing a counselor for my depression and anxiety (to say nothing of my '21 divorce) and near the end of our session last Friday I was dismayed to hear her tell me I "lit up" when speaking of my ex. Hearing that made me realize just what I had forsaken, not through the divorce but by being a huge asshole for the first 5-7 years of our marriage (which in turn led to her being equal but opposite after we both agreed to reconcile rather than divorce in '15).

To put it bluntly, she was everything I ever wanted and more than I deserved - I was just an immature prick. I ruined my dream of growing old with one person. She's not without fault mind you, but at least she had a reason to destroy me. I was just an emotionally unavailable/hurtful douchebag because I don't know why in hindsight.

I would never tell my next partner this but know that having a relationship would ease the regrets and self-loathing...I'm spiraling because I'm so lonely. I've decided I'm going to do my best to stick things out until my son graduates but that is 2.5 years off. If I don't have a relationship by then at the latest I'm going to kill myself by loosing inert gas in my vehicle with all airways duct taped from the inside.

Everything I've read says it's painless, and while I have been terrified of "what comes next" my entire life it's going to come someday anyway, and it beats being trapped in my self-abusive mind.