I've spent a few lifetimes trying not to be weird. I did a good job. I worked so hard at it that I am normal, but deep down I will never fit in or have that special feeling of being akin to anyone else. I do not lack esteem. The thoughts, ideas, and feelings I have I share freely with anyone I might think be interested. I admire and respect all others and their ideas to the point that I do not compete with the world anymore. I play it safe very well. I do not have any friends so there is no one I may hurt unintentionally and there is no one who can use me or betray me to hurt me either. Anytime I try to reach out I realize I am more and more alien from a normal world. All that has happened to me in my life, all my past actions, all that I have witnessed, all I have endured... is who I am. It didn't happen to anyone else and I should not expect anyone to understand, nor should expect that I should understand anyone else by that same logic. I have completely reconciled all those things in my life. I know exactly how they make me who I am. I put myself in a situation where I can help people, strangers, but not to make friends nor a situation where I am too responsible for too much for another in helping. I have even curated very specific experiences for others, just do not ask me how I do...it never ends normal. I tried letting my freak side show hoping to find someone who understands and that always ends in absolute disaster. I know that who I am and what I have learned in my life has huge import, has care, and answers to many questions. I have a good memory for all of it and tend to forget anything that is not important or relevant to make room for all of it. I have met no one like me and I should be proud. Whenever I think I have met someone like me, or at least someone who understands...I find out the difference is still too great. I feel very lucky to have a good thought for every bad one and everything is always neutral, so I get to live on. I only feel sad that one day I will not exist and the thoughts, feelings and ideas I have that I have proven to myself no one has...will no longer exist either. I have a friend... its me. And thats ok. I am a good friend.