A few months ago I was feeling pretty damn good about myself. I was coming to terms with the fact that I am a stocky 5 ft 6 in bald headed 30-year-old who likes to stay low-key and isn't lucky in romance. There's something comforting when you accept the limitations of yourself because then I can look at others and say that people aren't as attractive as we make them out to be. Even the finest, thickest woman more than likely has shit caked between her cheeks. I actually practiced semen retention and was trying to focus on my podcasting goals and I noticed that I was getting more attention from the opposite sex. This lasted a good little while up until a few weeks ago.

The way that my depression normally manifests itself is in stage 1 where I start to become really angry and really pessimistic. I look at everything around me and the people and I decide that everyone is terrible and nothing ultimately matters. When I get like this I don't care about the struggles that other people go through and I definitely don't care about people who I feel are better off than me complaining about their lives. The second stage is the sadness that washes over. This is when I don't care about myself and I almost don't mind walking out into traffic because ultimately a lot of things are paying and this loneliness will never go away. I try to justify it by saying that everything ends and all these achievements and accolades are people work so hard to achieve will not mean anything once they're dead and it definitely won't mean anything in a thousand or so years. The Earth will eventually stop spinning and it will evaporate back into nothingness, so why do anything at all? This doesn't even cover the struggles I have in dating because I feel like so many people have unrealistic expectations of total strangers and they never want to see somebody for who they truly are. It makes me frustrated and just drives me further into anger and bitterness.

Maybe it's the change of the weather, maybe it's the sign of a decaying mind, but I have enough stuff awareness to know that this is not my natural state and that who I am is more than just these moments. But it is tough when you backslide into previous destructive habits. Right now I just wish that someone who truly loved me would let me be vulnerable in their arms and reassure me that my darkest thoughts aren't really me. I'm not sure if this will ever completely go away, but I just wish that I didn't have to face this alone.