So, I’m not sure where to start here…. But I’ll try.

I’ve just got out of jail about a year ago after spending a year in, and now that I’ve been out and sober for all of it, I find myself alone. Most of my family has past away, lives out of state or just won’t talk to me (and I’m fine with that!) but with it being the holidays I’ve found myself being extremely lonely and depressed lately.

I have two awesome roommates, one who I just checked into a 90 day treatment for his Meth use, and the other who is a really awesome friend, but I feel like I lack that “deep connection” with another person. I’m a divorced 29 year old man, with an amazing German Shepherd and ZERO social life. I’ve found that I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, the things that used to bring me joy have lost that ability.

I’m not sure what to do anymore, I’ve been fighting off suicidal thoughts and urges for so long now that it’s become second nature. I’ve tried seeing a therapist and yes, I’m taking my medications and even upped the dosage, but nothing seems to help. I’ve never been this low in my life.

Seeing my friends in happy relationships, and the affection makes me wanna cry, or scream and I’ve had to stop hanging out with them because of that. (And yes, I’ve told them why) I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me, or if I’m repulsive, or if I’m just destined to be single forever, but after my divorce, no relationship has ever worked out or ended well.

Even my single friends have stopped hanging out with me because of me being “such a damn bummer all the time”

Other than my dog, I find myself pretty much alone. I know a relationship won’t fix these feelings or problematic thinking patterns, nor would I want it to…. But, I just don’t know what else to do! I’ve been planning out who will get my dog after I’m gone, setting everything in order, but I’m to much of a coward to even go through with it….