I've been lurking on this sub for a while now and I didn't feel like I need to make a post when I relate to a lot of people here. But I decided to make one to get something off my chest. To put it simply, I feel pretty lonely at the moment for the most part of my life.

Never had a relationship, never experienced real intimacy with anyone. I even have trouble maintaining friendships growing up, I'll eventually distance myself from them because I thought they'd probably be better off without me. I also had some bad experiences with my friends back in high school, I accidentally found out that the people I considered close friends talk behind my back so that's great.

Even my current group of friends (they're my old roommate's friends) is lowkey toxic, I would rather talk to them in a vc just so I don't have to spend time alone by myself even though I know I would have a bad time anyway.

I recently found someone to talk to and I thought it was going well until that person just ghosted me. I even @ them in case they prob didn't see my messages but still no response and I stopped messaging them because I don't want to bother them. I probably messed up accidentally, can't blame them really I would ghost me too if I were them. I'm not good at maintaining convo but I swear I'm trying my best. I've also been told that I'm a good listener but that prob because I just don't know what to say most of the time.

I have the tendency of opening up about my mental health once I get comfortable with someone and I've been hurt before, like people would distance themselves from me. So I promised to never make the same mistakes again, now I'm feeling even lonelier than before and I crave that intimacy that most people seems to have.

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P.s: Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get something off my chest.