Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I'm just throwing some of my thoughts out there.

I just have a lingering feeling of loneliness. I do have friends, but there is a void in my heart that I'm not sure will ever be filled. Some of it is missing being in love. My life is kinda stagnant right now, so I'm not meeting new people. I'm not into anybody I know and dating apps have been near useless for me. I think I'm socially inept and I just don't know it, cause it's just constant ghosting if I even get a match. Even if I did find someone new I was into I'm not sure if I could open up to them. I know there's a really sensitive part of me that I hide from everybody. I try to be super outgoing and friendly, and I don't let anything get to me, because who wants to deal with a sad lonely person. I keep that facade up so much it's just natural to me. I feel like I hide my true self so deep down that I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to put my guard down and not put on a generic happy face. At this point my facade feels like the real me, except when I'm alone. But how I feel when I'm alone is a whole different can of worms.

I can't even go to my closest friends about these thoughts. I'm sure they would listen, but I would think of myself as a burden at that point. Out of my two close friends, one I rarely talk to through text and it's mostly in person hang outs. And the other I used to hang out with online daily, but they have a partner now so we talk so much less. In the end most of my free time is me just by myself, which I was very used too before I met my online friend. I can keep myself entertained for a few hours, but in the end I just feel lonely. Maybe I'm just too clingy and I need to learn how to be alone. But I don't think I can cause I've felt alone for so long.

I'm only 20 so I have a lot of time to meet people, but I don't want to wait. I hate the feeling of being alone, it just makes me so sad whenever I think of it. I've had to start watching youtube to fall asleep, cause without it the I think lonely thoughts and fill my head with self loathing until I cry myself to sleep.

I though this might help to get some feelings out, but honestly I just feel worse. I'm so used to burying these feelings and doing everything in my power to avoid thinking about being lonely. But hopefully this helps somebody out there, so you know you're not alone in feeling this way.