I could peel my skin off I’m so uncomfortable. It was New Years Eve and we were having a lovely morning. Waking up with him was always a dream. Of course, over coffee I catch him in a lie which turns out to be that he slept with someone two days prior, in the same day he slept with me. Instead of arguing this time, I just left. He was asking me not to go, saying “it was no big deal”, telling me everything would be fine if I could just be “chill”. I couldn’t take it anymore, I just left. And he didn’t come out after me, he didn’t drive to my house, he didn’t chase after me. The second I got to my car the first thing I did was block him, and to my surprise I kept him blocked. Not just for the night, but for one whole week. Well, I unblocked him for a few hours in the middle of the night before coming to my senses. The truth is I can hardly sleep, I can hardly breathe. I’m going absolutely fucking insane. The pain is so deep in my bones it feels like it’s becoming me. Do I want him to feel like an idiot and miss me and chase me? Yep, I do.. I fucking want him to show up right now and tell me it was a huge mistake and he wants to make things work between us. But I know he won’t. The pain comes from accepting that he never really wanted to be with me, and now he gets to live the life was always holding him back from. He can fuck whoever he wants and date whoever he wants and I won’t be in the way to make him feel guilty. He always said I was trying to control him, I guess I was hoping to show him that there is more to life than making sex with strangers your number one focus in life. Everyone was right, I have to let him live his own life. And when he doesn’t show up again, and when another week goes by where I don’t have the strength to call, I guess I’ll just have to accept that it’s really over. But as of right now, I still love him, and I’ll still pray for him to come home.