My previous posts were simply meant to be my final Lonely Posts in regards to missing someone who was very special to me and who I miss, someone who meant so much to me that I have been far lonelier ever since leaving her

Trying to move on has been and still is very difficult even though I have processed everything I can, I feel like I need someone to make a mark on me that will overwrite the one she made

The problem is that I quite literally see every woman as a threat to me, I see them all as liars, cheaters and self absorbed or self serving manipulators

Given that I am on the Autism Spectrum and I have been used, taken advantage of and abused far more times than I have had anything genuine relationships I do see myself as valid in my beliefs

She's the only one who I know for a fact was genuinely interested in me and that took up until relatively recently to realize

I've tried therapy and it really only caused more issues for me and just wound up as a waste of money that did nothing to help me

Anytime I end up with someone new who seems genuine and invested I cannot bring myself to trust who I am with and even though I really do try I just simply can't believe anyone because of how many times I have been burned

I always expect failure in every relationship whether it comes from myself or my partner and every ending holds true either way

I do not have much if any confidence in myself, next to no conversational skills and I always believe in and expect the worst possible outcome to happen

I'm constantly numb, I only ever really feel sad, depressed or angry anymore and all I can really fully devote myself to is my own survival

Pain and numbness is all I know and at this rate I believe it's safe to say that is all I will ever feel

Even more concerning is that I now enjoy inflicting pain onto anyone I suspect is a liar or cheater and I find these manic moments to be filled with ecstacy

I used to not be this way, I used to be loving, caring, empathetic and much more genuine and sweet

I wouldn't be like this if I had simply chosen to stay with her, and realizing this has made trying to move on so much more difficult.