I’m a 33M, so I’m sure this post might just be skimmed by anyways, but this has got to the the loneliest Christmas I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve been together with my (32F) wife for 12 years now, but she’s been distancing herself from me for the past month. So I had already been feeling it and that something was wrong. Every time I’d ask her if she wanted to do anything with me, she said no. Usually she says yes but we’ve both been engrossed in our own games (her Rimworld and me Rune Factory 4). So I was respecting our own time trying to be a good husband.

Well things came to a head when I finally told her I’ve been feeling lonely. Then after poking at her, I finally got her to tell me what was wrong. She had purposely been distancing herself from me for the last month because she’s been feeling like she no longer wants to be with me. I’m not perfect. I will admit I’ve emotionally cheated on her in the past. What’s worse is that we got married after being together for 6 years and she found out I was emotionally cheating the same month we got married. Yes I know I’m the absolute worst of scum and shouldn’t even be with her let alone on this planet. I live with this fact every single day and I try to do better by her so she forgives me and can trust me again.

Well, she hasn’t. She finally told me last night how she’s been feeling and how she no longer wants to be with me, how I don’t make her feel emotionally secure, how she can’t trust me. I understand all this even if it’s been 6 years since the incident happened. I’ve constantly been working on improving myself to be a better husband, one worthy of my wife having. But hearing it…….I’m broken inside. I’m sure this is how she feels even to this day. But I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop hating myself. I am sitting here putting Christmas decorations and the tree away by myself, and it just hurts. It hurts so much. I’m doing everything by myself. I almost always do.

My wife had a herniated disc in her lower back and has had the worst sleep schedule this last month too. She’s barely been getting 2-6 hours of sleep every night. Right now she’s also sleeping after going to bed at 10am. It’s 11:45am right now (for those that read this in the future). So I didn’t expect her to help and am doing this of my own accord. With her back the way it is, I am usually the one doing most of this myself anyways, but with the current circumstances, it’s just hitting harder.

My mental state is the worst it’s been in a long time, and if I end up single, I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s a whole different can of worms though because I’m a 5’5” undesirable male for many reasons. If you made it this far, thank you for your time. I don’t know why I am posting this anyways. Maybe I’m just hoping it might help in some way, shape, or form.